Memories

I never squash bugs or anything else if I can help it. I did once when I was about 6 or 7, I was watching this bug on a metal bollard. Running around erratically on the bulbous head of the bollard doing whatever bugs do. What was it doing? I stood, fascinated for what seemed like ages watching it closely. It was tiny less than ½ cm in diameter, but I didn’t know that word back then, it was black but rainbow like as it moved, it looked shiny and hard-even compared with the bollard. I wanted to see its face and count its legs but they were hidden underneath. I wanted to pick it up, have a look and let it run over my hand but I was afraid that it might bite me. It didn’t have wings just this petrol-metallic dome for a body. I wondered if it would make a noise if I crushed it and some part of me if I could crush it at all. So I did. With the blunt end of a pencil. I could, it made a soft crunch sound. I didn’t have the forethought but only then realised I hadn’t just made a noise, I had killed it, I couldn’t piece it back together and let it go. That it was final. (for the bug at any rate) and I had caused it. I felt enough guilt and sorrow in that moment to remember the event with such clarity today. I lifted the pencil toward me I saw what was left of the bug and realised I still couldn’t see its face or count its legs. So I wiped the bug mush onto the bollard put the pencil in my pocket and ran to catch up with the rest of the crowd that were on their way to school.

I'm going to make it happen

I met a lady today who is going to help me improve my German-did I mention I was trying to learn it? She seems sehr nett and very organised so I think this will work out quite well. It will be nice to speak freely with someone, not worrying about mistakes and practising speaking and listening with someone who knows what I need to learn. Yes this is a good way to learn, all she wants from me is some correction on her (flawless) English and some pointers on colloquial phrases. Ohhh, I could crush a grape! I don't think she will want to know that one!
Work was boring but I'm making alot of headway on my 'spelling mistakes' document, it's about 3 pages long now-I'll publish the best bits one day but for the time being it's just something that makes the day go by a little quicker. Speaking of work I have all but stopped looking for something permanent-it just doesn't seem urgent enough while I'm temping esp in a place where I like it as much as I do, I think it's best to hang around and see if anything comes up there that I can do-I need to start thinking about all of this seriously soon but what I can do is so specified and opportunities don't come up all that often-I'll stop there this is turning into a whinge.
On the up side; just one more year, earning and saving and learning then I get to go and make a new start. I can hardly wait, it is what I want if not what I need and the wheel's are in motion.

I love it when a plan comes together.

A day in the life

It was hot and sunny yesterday and there were a number of free music festivals going on all over London so I decided to avoid them all and go for a picnic at Hampstead heath. I met Mark at Camden station and walked the rest of the way, we spoke of all kinds of nonsense as usual filling in the time till we could lose ourseles in our own thoughts on the things we see around us. I wanted to walk on the sunny side of the road so the route we took zig-zagged across the main road. We saw the signets from a few weeks ago, there were five now not seven but they all looked big and strong now and virtually able to take care of them selves but that didn't stop Mummy and Daddy swan nipping at the closest pidgeons. We found a bench on a hill to eat breakfast of Fried potatoes pitta bread an dips (much nicer than it sounds), then continued round the Park.
We walked on to the stone bridge where people put out nuts and the like and we put a few blueberries in a neat little line along the wall and waited. Along comes Mr Squirrel and eats half of the first blueberry, then walks over the line sniffing each of them to see if they are somehow different! Then a pair of Jays that are nervous of our presence and swoop grabbing what they can and dissapearing back into the trees. There were great tits in the bushes that wouldn't come out till we were further away but they did treat us by eating a cashew nut whole-I swear it was like watching a snake eat, that bird must have dislocated it's beak to get the whole thing down in one! Some other people came to watch and we chatted to them for a bit, strangely I recognised one of them from school, I asked if it was him and it was-how bizarre? We went through the 'so what are you doing now' conversation and went on our way again.
We always get lost in the Heath and this was no different. Walking along a path we saw a dead tree with a bird in it. 'What's that?' Marks asks me, 'it's a bit to far to see' I say 'it's a Kestrel' said a lady walking in towards us and away from the bird. As we get closer she's clearly right and Mark comments on it's eyes being that of a preditor. We watch it watching the space around us for a few minutes. Then it moves it's head, glides from the tree soundlessly to the grassy area near us and about 6 feet off the ground pulls in it's wings and dives into the longish grass. 'What's it got?' askes Mark moving towards it 'don't scare it away' I say quietly pulling him back. The kestrel is about 4 feet from us now and it looks up directly at us then calmly picks up the mouse in it's talons and flies into a group of trees close by.
A whispered 'WOW' comes from both of us and we walk on knowing that that was a priviledge to see. Knowing that couldn't be beaten for a sight we wandered home for huggles and snoogles which were plentiful and ummig.

Once apon a time.
Before there was you.
There was us.

Why is it that with all the best intentions people never seem to actually help when they're trying to do just that?
'I'll do that for you' tends to mean 'I'll cock that up then you can spend twice the time fixing it than it would have taken you to do it yourself in the first place'.
With this in mind-why do we, I mean human beings as a species, yearn for companionship? Do we like fixing other peoples mistakes? Does it make us feel that we're more worth-while as a person or inflate our self worth above the worth of the people around us? Like we're indispensable and the world would actually stop, even just for a moment if we ceased to be?
Get a group of people together and give them a task-watch the roles the different characters play, I bet most of them will try to take the lead stating in one way or another why their idea is the best or their theory fits above all others. They will prove this with rushed statements that don't really make sense when you unpick them. The real leaders, the ones worth following or at least listening to, are the ones that sit back a bit, listen to other's ideas, steal the best bits and use other's hasty statements to disprove them while strengthening their own arguments, they think through what they need to achieve before opening their mouths. People feel the need to take on everything to prove that they can do it, those that know they can but want an efficient way to do something shut up and think it out first. Those who want the world to see their achievements are the ones who rush in and balls it all up.
And when I thought it through and said 'I'll do it myself' I knew that would be the easiest way to go...
But you had to rush in while I thought about it. Just as well I wasn't thinking 'how shall I do it' but 'how shall I fix this when he's done'.