I've just found two of my friends blogs and added them

So Hello to Raven and Dean!
I don't know if you'll even notice I'm following you-not many people do until its too late, stalking being my favourite past time (also one that I pride myself in being bloody good at) mwah-hahahaha!

Anyway, I wouldn't read my blog if I were you, I'm a moany cow and I just use it to sound off, never have been creative and have to spell check everything thrice.
I think I should join you the intrepid fox at some point, I used to like the old one the temperature never bothered me, the smell of the gents however...
Not that I use the gents or anything, but the smell seems to wander around the bar at its own leisure to waft up your nose as you're making eyes at a cute metal head (I know those words don't really belong together, but I'm on lunch and don't have the time or the patience for eloquence-or spell checking)
Anyways, shall see you around-hopefully soon!

Accidental night out

Indie/Britpop pub was closed when we got there. I'm going to tell them off some other time. We wandered back up the road and have found ourselves a local. They sell good beer and have a friendly crowd. I met a brummie guy who writes for the Daily Mail (which I discovered after I'd decided I liked him) an Amercan interior design artist with a friend from Lancashire and a Geordie in wonderland. Oh and a friendly irish barman. We drank watched footy put music on and had a great evening, when the pub closed we stayed and played connect four-Mark beat myself and the Geordie guy then lost to the barman 3-2. once it was close we were smoking indoors, it felt naughty and strange, oh how quickly these things become normal. we rolled home at about 3am had toast and went to bed, I don't remember getting home, I have a vague recollection of shouting at the kettle but that's about it. I feel fine, Mark is sitting up in bed wretching into a basin-he's not really being sick but that feels worse, there's no release. Haha, it's usually me! I'm glad I've got the chance to look after him, he's always so good to me when I'm hungover. Oh, we have movement. I'd better go see if he needs anything. See ya!

Bink wine with directors at City hall then blues in a back street bar.
I didn't get drunk on purpose, I want to show my best side.
Intense blue eyes and an interesting smile with slighty vampiric teeth.
I know that look from somewhere but I'm not sure if it's from my past.
So I smile and nod and laugh and probe, oh, tidy up-it's time to go home.
My headphones aren't working, it's going to be another dull day.
I'll watch the sunshine enviously through the window and think of cool blue hues.
I'll have some toast and give you a hand, holding the lift for the pregnant lady behind me in the cue.
Chewing my lips till they're raw. I know I shouldn't, should I go for a fag break?
I'll save that for later, pockets of free time to stare at the world flowing by on the Thames.
While I dream of the present and peer into the future, it sits in my peripheral vision, I can't look directly at it but if I look at the horizon I can see shimmering smiles and glints of colour. It seems to be uphill siloetted against the evening sun, orange and golden like autumn leaves but giving the warmth of summer and the optimism of spring.
Scan type check commit. Scan type check commit. Repeat until Friday when my time become yours.
Playing pickseys dropseys. Wishing of a better place that's past.
A favourite song says "don't look back in anger" and a phychic once told me to look forwards not back. But I do, I need to learn. Why is it you can never tell what's for the best until you've commited yourself to a plan?
Well I'm here now and I'm waiting, I don't know what for, just progression would be good.
Into the the summertime, my spring is done.

And again this morning

-I'm going to work for 9:30 so I'll go back to sleep.
-Alright Darlek, sleep well. *gets back under the covers for a cuddle*

10 minutes later.
-Don't forget to set your alarm
-I've done it

10 minutes later
-Awww, you look so coot all wrapped up and sleeping!
-Not sleeping now

5 minutes later
*moves laptop and takes box from the chair next to the bed*

5 minutes later
*comes over with two banana's in hand*
-Look what I've got for you, this one's got a sticker!
-Oh, for Gods sake, I told you that I'm trying to go back to sleep and you insist on talking to me!
-Sorry *looks hurt*
-well I can't bloody sleep now.
-I don't know where your bag is to put the bananas in it.
-Neither do I

Monday, Monday

I didn't get to Super Picnic Sunday, it didn't happen.

Friday was fun, drinks with colleagues then to the Gladstone to see Tom Rodwell again, he never disappoints and this was no different. I stayed in the pub until the bitter end and had a little chat with Tom, he even gave me some careers advice! I wasn't drunk at all, which is surprising because I'd had wine at work then leffe in the pub and either of those on their own usually floors me. I think it might have been the slight intimidation I felt from all the directors that were there, it wouldn't be a good idea to get drunk and start shrieking.

Saturday was shit.
I was left in the cold.
I didn't get the shopping I wanted for Super Picnic Sunday.
The garage next door have a sound system that shakes the foundations of the flat.
I had to go to work.
I was working with my least favourite people.
I was foolish and gave my number to a guy that wants to take me out.
although he left shortly afterwards I know he'll come back, he's asked after me when I've not been working and now I've...

...oh, shit.

I shall send a message declining, I don't know exactly what I'll say, I'll make something up. Don't give me a reason to go, just don't I'll finish us. I know I will.

Sunday was better, I nearly told Mark what's bugging me. But I couldn't formulate the words. However I imagined myself saying it seemed to send the wrong message. I don't want him to hate me but I know from experience that it won't be my defences he jumps to. I'm not the one who started this, and I can see the sneakyness that he can't, the sideways looks checking if I'm around, the guilt that shows a hug means more than it should. It's not for me to point it out again, I'll be left with and "I told you so" and a broken heart. We went over to Mark's brothers for dinner Kelly had made home made quiche and some lovely potatoe salad. We watched too much telly and Justin and I had a sly smoke and because it was both of us Mark didn't judge me as much as he would have at home.

It was a long journey back, quite a long walk to the station at that end (and we got slightly lost which meant my idea that we should aim for the second from last train was a worthy one) then a long walk from London Bridge to home. We didn't want to go straight to sleep and so watched a bit more Red Dwarf-the later series, not my favourites. I fell asleep during the second episode and Mark woke me to ask me if I was asleep.

My favourite date

is today!
I don't need an excuse for a good time, the weekend should be good enough for that!
Next weekend we're going Brighton and this weekend we're going to see Tom Rodwell on Friday, Saturday is not my day but I'm working on Saturday night so I'm trying not to let that bother me too much. So Saturday night's alright for fighting, I mean what ever makes her happy, what ever makes it alright. The evening I don't mind so much, but I'm being shoved around on the Saturday day time too which doesn't sit well. Well I can use the time to prepare to Super Picnic Sunday, it's going to be 16C and my plan is to put together some ummig ethical treats that we can bag up and carry on our backs to the heath-via camden so I can get the hair bows I've lusted after for about a fortnight now.
Fried new potatoes and dips, cartons of juice, crisps, sandwiches, salami and posh cheese and maybe a speciality beer or three. Sunshine and grass underfoot, the wind kissing hair and making it tumble, framing faces. Laughter and love, peace and some fun, maybe I'll take my kite or my hula-hoop so we can behave like children for a while. I want it to be special, I want to simply be in love, just for the day.

It would be alright if you'd found it funny

You're just being a bitch because you're not smoking any more.
I love temping, shit flows down hill and I'm always at the fucking bottom.
Welcome to my world-no, it's not the wonderful world of shit and wank, just shit.
Lots and lots of shit, all flowing this way. Deeper and deeper to deep to stand. I'm now swimming in shit because you want to be healthy.
Why don't you just do us all a favour and take a running jump in to unhealthy.
Off the top of tower bridge and either into the Thames or in front of a bus would do the trick.

Tuesday is not going to be a good day

I saw two crows near a nest on my way to work this morning. There were two magpies a bit further off and squarking like mad. One crow was looking at the Magpies that were quite close together and the other was edging closer to the nest. There was nothing I could do but watch, I have to go to work, I have to see what's happening. I'm standing near the curb on the other side of the road one of the crows is almost on top of the nest-I hope they are battling over an empty and well built nest rather than the eggs that might be in it. The crow watching the magpies flies off, the magpies dive at the remaining crow and there is what I would describe as a scuffle if it were humans on the ground, but being birds in a tree and in the air its more graceful and delicate for about 30 seconds. The magpies settle on their branch and the crow begins to edge closer to the nest again, the outcome is sealed, the crow is too big and even though they out number it and have proven their bravery the magpies will lose the nest and anything it may contain. The crow is even closer to the nest now, but I can't see it properly as I've moved along the road, concious of the fact that I do have somewhere to be quite soon, still near the curb unaware of the puddle in the road just below my feet until, SPLASH! I'm not soaked just a bit soggy around the ankles. Just enough to snap me out of the fascination. I had better go, I shouldn't watch the grizzly inevitable outcome-the magpies wouldn't risk so much for a good nesting site.

So, work it is. My duties have been swapped around, so I'm not doing my favourite on I'm doing the worst one possible. The supervisor is in a foul mood and has the attitude 'if I'm not happy no-one can be happy today.' She's been awkward, giving indications without actual answers and rolling her eyes when I ask for clarification, open emails implying the responses I've given are ridiculous without actually reading the original. I've tried to be nice, it's time to send open emails back saying I need her to be more specific. I'm not in the mood to talk to someone being a dipstick today.
Shame, I'm on the phones.

Happy days

What you drop on the swings you tend to pick up on the roundabout.
Life's a circle and at the moment, I'm up.



"It's ok to be denied but it is not ok to be replaced"

That's enough gloating, it's Tuesday so I should probably tell you about the gig on Friday, it was Reel Big Fish and they played at The Forum, Kentish town. I don't know why but I get really anxious before a planned event, all I have to do is turn up and I know it will be a fun night but all I see are all the 'what ifs' and 'buts' all the bad ones. It's almost like a panic where I want to dig my heels in and utter those infamous words "I don't want to" they had real meaning when I was a teenager, I was stubborn as a mule and once I'd said it-even if I'd changed my mind-would never budge. Anyway, I'm older and although not wiser I'm certainly no where near as stubborn as I was then, so I go and I smile although I feel strange almost frightened for no reason at all. We got here having missed the first support band (we decided thay sounded pretty dire so that was intentional) we were in the upstairs seated area but found a row were there was standing room only and secured our place. The support band 'Suburban Legends' were pretty good, they had lots of energy which is contagious at a gig, it spreads through the audience and even the most uptight people will start to jig about-I know I was one of them (until I found the bar and started seriously drinking). They had some funny little dances and did a cover of the Lion Kings 'I just can't wait to be king' which I thought was a great song and I jumped about loving it not realising it was a cover as I've never seen the Lion King. Watching the discordant dance of the lead singer I notice he has the worst (and only) case of camel toe I have ever seen on a man! There are two girls stood slightyl behind us cracking up and I wonder if that is what they are laughing at. White trousers and camel toe, genius! Laughing makes me want to pee and the toilets at the Forum are a real treat, they smell like coconut and there is no cue, I even have a chioce of cubicle, they all look clean and have toilet paper-that's important to us girllies. I come back to our 'patch' to find Mark swaying in perfect time with two larger girls on his left holding onto the rail in front of them, this makes me smile warmly-I do love him, I realise I whinge, but he has tried so hard since that thing and he's sorry and wants us to be happy again, so we will be, we are-I'm not letting it eat away at me any more. Enough of that, again.

Let me jump forward a bit to RBF they were better than the last time I saw them, I think my panic got the better of me then and I spent most of the evening determined to not have a good time, so I watched the clock. This time I sung, danced and waved my arms about. Standing on Marks left side jabbing the air and pretending to be left handed myself-if I'm going to try it it may as well be at a ska gig-who's going to notice if I'm out of time? Somebody's started a conga line that's going up and down the top ailses so I join on the back gripping some sweaty topless teenager and kicking my legs as we head towards the back bar, the graze and bruise on my knee tells me I fell over and I think this is when it happened but my pickled brain doesn't have this information for certain. The conga turns into a ring of people doing the crazy boy dance ina big circle at the end of the bar, looking down all I see are shoes kicking in time with each other, left right left right. My floral DMs along side Converse and Airwalk and those crappy £5 pumps that seem to be fasionable now. After the song the group disperse back their friends as I walk off I say to a blonde dread locked lad "that was worth joining the conga for!" And it was.

The highlight of the night was RBF's cover of "Nothin but a good time" by LA guns-look it up, it's classic hair metal, it's my all time favourite genre and now it's being covered by a wel repected ska band. I shout the words into the crowd and I seem to be the only person in the room that knows it. I found out later that this is not so, speaking to a bloke on the tier above me we agreed that it was an awsome cover but the young audience had no idea what was going on, we high fived as I said if they played a little skid row we could empty this place, he smiled and went on his merry way with his friend probably looking for more beer.

So we left the Forum, having had a great night and not wanting it to end just yet we (I) stumble into a nearby pub. After the 6 cans of beer I've had at the gig I think I need something lighter-kopperberg will do the trick nicely. There are shelves lining the wall and Mark goes to look at the books and comes back abruptly after spotting Princess Di and Planet Earth and having read the later and having no interest in th firsy decided to call it a day. We plodded onto the tube and got off to change at Kings Cross but although we ran, we got to the platform just in time to see the last Hammersmith & City line train slink through the tunnel. Shit.

So it's an underground/overground journey home for us, but at least I know which bus to get from here. Come th morning I've completely forgotten the journey home and looking at my knee with equal confusion. Mark reminded me and we danced to songs from the lion king around the kitchen/living area. I'm not feeling to shabby considering the alcohol induced memory loss I'm suffering! The best bit of that day was hugging and remembering how and why we first told the other that we love them. On his part it was gestures and patience that paved the way, from me it was his innocence and and the excitement he held.

"When you said 'the ball's in your court' I knew I loved you"

Life is too short to dwell on anything.
Fix it and get moving again.
Don't look back at things that can't be changed.
Go forward and smile.
Aim for what you want, not what someone else has.
Take your dreams in hand and make them happen.

So that one day you can look back and smile
:)

Disagreement with a smile

Coming back from lunch on Friday afternoon I see and old eccentric looking gentleman waiting by the information booth. I slip in through the side door take off the sign that says, "the information point is temporarily closed. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience" with a smile and a cheery "You've caught me fresh back from lunch, how can I help you?" "That sign" he says jabbing his finger at the A4 laminated sheet still in my hand, "could mean anything between 10 minutes and 18 months, it's not very helpful is it?" We seem to have a live one here and I start wondering what's pissed him off so, he doesn't look like the type to get a parking ticket. "Well, I'm here now sir, how can I help you?" I say still smiling. "What is Boris doing?” he asks vaguely, but with eyes piercing through me. "I'm afraid I'm not clear on what you mean Sir, at the moment I believe he's on the 8th floor but I don't have access to his diary so I don't know his exact movements."
He's getting red in the face, I don't think that was the question he was asking, ah well, here we go, thinks I.
"I mean, what is he doing, what are his policies, what are his thoughts and opinions on various London wide issues?" "Oh, I see" this should be quite simple after all, "All the policy information is on our website, would you like me to give you the address? If you tell me which area you are specifically interested in I can direct you to the most relevant page" I say with my autopilot voice and my default smile still on my face. "You" there’s venom there-I reach for the panic button, "get paid to look on that thing, I do not" he says jabbing a finger at the screen on the desk. I'm out of my depth; I say I'll make some enquiries to see if we have any leaflets, if he could just tell me specifically what he actually wants. He looks at me with contempt, as if he has explained this several times already in progressively simpler sentences and exhausted his efforts in making me understand. "I would like to know what his policies are" He says slowly. "On?" I ask trying not too sound rude but wishing I had some form of tazer I could attach to his bow tie. "Transport, housing, health, equalities" he barks back. "Oh, and could I also get a list of Assembly Members?" He asks politely then shuffles away looking at the posters on the opposite wall. So I phone and get someone to bring down what he wants, we don't have all the leaflets so take his address with he promise to post them when we have them. He seems happy with this. But he points out the poster behind him is out of date and he hadn't seen any advertising for it and if he was really interested in China (subject of the exhibition the poster is advertising) he would have missed it, once again I tell him that the information is available on our website and quite often also in the local press. This simply isn't good enough and he has a full blown rant telling me that "Ken was always transparent, you knew where you stood and now it's all changed"-now I see the problem, he’s a blue and the reds are in charge, well it's not my fault is it, I didn't even vote! Websites don't have an index, in the 50's the librarians had a strike because they wanted all new books published to have and index, and they did, and they got it, but no-ones going to strike because a webpage doesn't have an index and it's impossible to find what you want...." Should I be pressing the panic button yet? He turns to leave, walks away sees an exhibit on the competition for filling the 4th plinth at Trafalgar square, recently won by Antony Gormley. "That needs to come down too, the competition's over. Gormless won it didn't he? He's having other people do the work, you know he had another exhibition, that Gormless, where he had the public make their own art, then he exhibited it and took all the money!" He rants on, less coherently than last time and mentioning his 'Gormless' joke twice in case the first time was lost on the fortunate fool behind the desk. "Clever fella" I sneer back, just managing to conceal my own contempt "I wish I'd thought of it" I'm back to smiling, he might go away now. He starts up the ramp, yay he's leaving! Reads the first poster he comes to looks at a few more until he gets about half way up, then he turns and comes back. I pretend to be engrossed in my screen, doing some really important work, he's not deterred. "I've just read that poster, it's about a young girl with Lupus, not anywhere does it tell me what lupus actually is" he's back to calm enquiries now, but it's too late for me, I look up the ramp and see two workmen, one is up a ladder putting up posters, picture and plaques relating to the new theme, just going up today, I knew they were there, it wasn't too long ago I was cursing the drill.
"Of course it's incomplete, they haven't finished putting it up!" I exclaimed with genuine frustration. "Lupus is a skin disease, that’s all I know, if you want to find out urgently I suggest you Google it".
By now I've emailed my boss and told her he won't go away, so she phones me and I avoid eye contact with him, I must look busy now because he finally leaves.

I'm left feeling bewildered, I never found out what he actually wanted, I was polite, I smiled, I was helpful, I even called him Sir. I don't do that very often.