I don't think I'll ever be able to just relax and not feel the pressure of the day-to-day things niggling at me when I'm in my own space. I don't like being alone, well that's not strictly true, I'm alone now and I'm perfectly happy. But I don't feel like I have to hide anything here or rush to do something because time here is limited-like on holiday, I can just be, becuase I know here.
It would seem I don't really know what has been bothering me recently I'm just feeling down and projecting this onto somethig else. I know I don't help myself here by dwelling on past infidelities, they seem to torment me. I've said it before that my own mind works against me. It pushes things to the fore front and I don't know how to control it, I've met people that simply don't think on the things that upset them and in a way I envy them but in another I wonder if they ever deal with these things. On the other hand one could say that my approach means that I don't deal with them but continue to let them upset me forever.
Hmmph. I don't know.
That same person once said to me "if you don't like your life, change it". It's very good advice, but it means you need to know exactly what it is that's wrong and then, of course, how to change them. I really don'tknow. I need to think this through properly.
And that's not easy.
Maybe I can just stay asleep for a while and when I wake up it'll be over. One way or the other. Who knows? Who cares? I'm not even sure if I do anymore, things get weighed up so logically that there isn't any room for the non quanitive stuff like emotion and human feeling. Because they don't really count, you can trick yourself into feeling anything for a time and if you do for long enough it becomes the normal thing to think or feel. Is that the part of control that I need? To decide how to feel and then stick with it. Well if it's as easy as that I think I would like to be happy. My default face should be smiling, my natural feeling should be excitement with the world and what it has in store, ambitions aren't hard work they are an adventure to be lived through where the journey is a fun part getting there is a realisation and taking things forward is a natural progression.
When something breaks through my happy barrier I shall a) ping my wrist with an elastic band because I should be trying to upset myself in the first place and b) I'll say a mantra of some kind to make it go away, like Anna Winter's go away ghosts song. Obviously I don't know what it will be yet but I'll come up with one when I'm in the correct frame of mind.
So there we are, the bottom line for the time being is
"To sleep, per chance to dream"
And all the dreams will be pleasent and all the sleep will be sound.
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