Birthday cake

Celtic warrior woman succumbs to chocolate

It was my birthday, Miranda brought a massive chocolate cake to the pub and everyone had some-although I made a point of making as much mess as I could when I was nomming it! It reminded me of a game my brother and I played with ice cream when we were really little-get as much of it on your face as possible would have been a good name for it. The sequel would have been 'then try to lick it off your own face' but that part was more necessity than game.

It was a great day, I picked a pub that I'm comfortable in and has a good jukebox and stayed there while I had a constant dribble of good friends and people that I actually wanted to see rather than trying to organise a big night out with everyone that I've ever met attending because I started a group on facebook. I've spent the last 29 years sorting making new and binning rubbish friends and I think I have the correct mix now. I like having fewer but better quality and I can tell you, my friends now are the best in the world. I know that none of them actually read this blog, in fact, I'm pretty sure that no-one reads this blog apart from maybe some randoms that have stumbled upon it via google or bing-hello by the way. But I want to say here; Thanks for taking the photo Mirry and bringing the cake and thanks to everyone else who showed their face, even if it was just for a short time.

Today I have had to put on 'smart shoes' office attire if you will because the snow has now melted and I have no reason to remain in my comfy cosy walking boots.
I found a pair of shoes/ankle boots that were everyday wear when I was at uni I could run for buses in them, walk all day and not feel a thing. I put them on when I got to work this morning and they don't fit any more!! I didn't realise that when the rest of you body stops growing that you feet continue at an achingly slow pace so that perfectly comfortable shoes become 'killer heels.'

Why do women put themselves through this? Oh, to make their legs and bum look nice, I remember!

On the plus side at least I have my walking boots to go home in.

A little piece of wonderment

Mark and I went out with my best friend and his wife night before last, we had Thai food and watched a film that I really wanted to see. It was nice, not too expensive and it's always good to catch up with my favourite couple. But before hand I was an absolute nightmare, I don't know how Mark handles it, I don't know how I handle it. I became so anxious, I didn't want to go because it would be a rush and not actually that enjoyable, also it would mean spending money and we're trying to save on top of this I decided that the food was shit and the film would be rubbish-basically I was making things up so as to justify the way I was feeling. I just don't understand. I was about to do something socially, with friends and it was a film I'd said that I would like to see. the strop was so unnecessary!

Mark was exasperated he simply said that he didn't mind and if I wanted to stay home we could stay home, but if I wanted to go he was happy with that too. I felt like I was being backed into a corner and given no options-we'd said we'd go so we had to go, because I felt we had to go I no longer wanted to go. I'm even antagonistic toward the plans that I've made!

We left, I said that we couldn't let them down. I stamped my feet and made whiny desperate little noises on the walk there, Mark said that if I didn't want to go we could still go home and if I decided not to then we wouldn't have to go to the film. So he's leaving it all up to me, I know that's because he can see I'm having an anxiety attack and need to be calmed-he obviously thinks that by giving the decision to me it will subdue the rising panic. It doesn't it just adds to it because now I'm under pressure, I know that he wants to go and that I'll ruin his plans if I back out now. Suck it up, just suck it up and go with it Jade. We get to the pub, Alfie spots us through the window and sends us a big grin. I feel a bit better. The food was OK, but I did choose the wrong meal, I'd had enough of decisions by then and the waiter came over to our table too soon-mind you, if she'd left us for an hour or more I'd have still been deciding so I just looked for something that had spring onions and had that. Well half.
Got to the cinema and my head started again, Mark had given me the option of going home now if I'd wanted. Shit, a choice. That means another decision has to be made. I'm a fucking nervous wreck! Edy sees I'm looking peaky asks if I'm OK so I do something I don't usually do, I told her I'm having a minor panic because I'm not sure what I want she put her arm over my shoulders and just said "don't be silly Jade, we're going in we're going to watch the film and it'll be fun" I believed her (it helps that she has the cutest accent in the world) and we went in and the film was good. Mark and Wes sat in the cheap seats whereas Alfie, Edy and I snuck into the VIP seats and so where comfortable and had the film in our eye line.

When the credits began to roll we packed up and shipped off out of the darkness, in the lobby the walls are all windows and we were greeted with the sight of snow falling around the Christmas tree that was still in the middle of the Angel centre. Truly magical. So the food wasn't great and the film was alright but nothing special but this part of the evening made it all worth while. I was there with people that I hold in the highest regard and saw one of the prettiest and most Christmassy things I've ever seen. I do believe it was real magic. I think it might have a gone a little way to repairing Christmas.

2009 compared to 2010-I hope!

Christmas eve and all through the house not a creature was stirring-not even a mouse.

Erm, that doesn't sound like my family home. It wasn't chaos but myself and my Brother were always soooo excited-it's a cliche but Christmas eve is the most difficult night to sleep for any child. This Christmas I'm an adult-no where near childhood and I'll never get up early all excited to bundle down to the living room to find the door handle missing and no way of getting in. It is the time of year when everyone expects socks and bad jumpers and blogs are full of 'new year questionnaires' so I'm going to do one that I stole from someone else's blog-Jodi's "It's the life" it looks good, I might read it but I have a feeling that she's American and I don't know if I can handle all the unnecessary Zs.

Anyway, here goes:

1. What did you do this year that you've never done before?
I went camping and walking on the Pembrokeshire coastal path <3 Agreed to a proposal that I intend to see through. Looked at houses with the intention of buying one. Moved into my own flat. I think I grew up a lot this year.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I can't remember if I made any, probably to give up smoking. I'll make the same one this year. And break it by the 4th Jan


3. Any new births this year? Noah and Tommy


4. Did anyone close to you die? My Grandad, July we were all there and we'll really miss him this year.

5. What countries did you visit this year? Does Wales count? it was like going abroad. When we went in May it was like the Great Ocean Road in Victoria, Australia. When we went in Sept. it was like, well Wales really. When we went in Nov. it was like India during a monsoon

6. What would you like to have in the next year that you lacked this year? A wonderful Boyfriend-sorry, fiancee and somewhere nice to live-hang on, I've got that!! I'd really like a stable job. I'm soooo fucked off with temping.


7. What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory - and why? 2nd September 2009 my Dalek proposed


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting a nice place to live, mind you the achievement part there should go to my Dad, he did all the hard work. Not wanting to make this all about the proposal but I did decide on who I'm spending my life with.


9. What was your biggest failure of the year? Being turned down for a job that a monkey could do because I didn't demonstrate my abilities in the interview-Showed a bit too much ambition for my supervisors liking.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No biggies, nothing I remember anyway.

11. What was the best thing you bought this year? My posh cup for loose tea and the book shelves in my living room.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My own, when I'm drunk I'm a liability.

13. Whose behavior merited celebration (a public or private personality)? My brother has made me proud this year.

14. Where did most of your money go this year? Biggest expense is rent, biggest extravagance is either weed or posh tea-it's definitely botanical.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about this year? My engagement! It seems to have put a real stamp on 2009.


17. What song will always remind you of this year? Killing in the name of is the Christmas number one!!!

18. Compared to this time last year, are you:- happier or sadder? Happier, I think I don't really like Christmas- richer or poorer? about even, I've got a job that pays less but I have a flat that costs less. Oh, probably going to be poorer this year I had to give up my pub job :(- thinner or fatter? I've been the same weight since I was about 18

19. What do you wish you'd done more of? Travelling and spending quality time with my loved ones-specifically my brother.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of? Worrying, fretting and hating. Plotting, scheming and wishing things where different.

21. How did you spend the holidays?- I don't really get summer holidays, but most of the holiday time I did take was spent in Wales.

22. Did you fall in love this year? Yes and no. I fall in a bit more love with the same man everyday but he's the same one I've been in love with for two & a half years now.

23. How many one-night stands did you have this year? See above. Of course I haven't!

24. What was your favorite TV program for the year? Merlin!!! Love that show. Gavin and Stacey-Tidy. I love anything by David Attenborough so 'Life' has been brilliant.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No, it's the same bunch of cunts I hate every year. I don't like my supervisor because she didn't give me a job that's beneath me, but hate would be taking that a bit too far.

26. What was the best book you read this year? I read 'brave New World' again but that's a given. 'Island' also by Aldous Huxley was brilliant.

27. What was your favorite film of the year? I don't really watch films, I saw 'The Green Mile' again and enjoyed it. Slum dog millionaire was good. Not really a film buff.

28. How would you describe your personal fashion concept this year? Office. or skinny jeans and funky tee shirts, particularly Stabby McKnife.

29. Whom did you miss this year? I miss my Grandpa quite a lot. I've missed Matthew before he went psycho. I'll miss Jade 'til the day I die.

30. Who was the best new person you met this year?- I met the Mayor a few times but he's not the best person I've met. I don't think I've met any body that I intend to keep in touch with. Tom Top and Father were nice in that pub in Llanelli.

This is a little out of date now, but it seems such a shame to just delete it so I'll post it here:

I live in a pokey bedsit in the east end of London, it has mice, damp and numerous drafts but for the time being it's home. This is my blog so I can spout off about things that annoy me and generally keep a record of what's keeping me busy/sane. I'll probably shove some creative writing in at some point-but I wouldn't read it if I were you, it's probably rubbish. I don't know if I'm brave enough to put the whole truth of what runs through my head on here, I don't think I could confrunt it with out running insanely away arms and legs flailing. Feel free to do what you want, it's no good saying 'don't do that' because you will have to do it to see.

Now I have to write a new one...

(not my) New Job

Cunts

fuck it, that'll do

As I was walking to work this morning I notice the man in front of me, he was squat and barrel shaped and walked by swinging his arms outward and to a lesser extent his legs, he looked like a large bipedal lizard. As I was thinking this a small woman in a fawn coloured woolly had sped past like a deer running through the open. I think i might be watching too much David Attenborough as I seem to have turned my walk to work into a surreal safari!

Work was a little strange as I started in a new department today, the guy who's training me is really nice and open about never having trained anyone before and said if I think I need anything different just to say and we'd work it out. I said not to worry as I've had tonnes of training and I'm not shy so I will let him know if I'm not clear, but that it wouldn't actually show until I started doing stuff rather than watching other people do it. Part of the job is to go around the building checking for faults, I am so glad that I wore flat shoes and not the killer heels that make me feel great psychologically but cripple me physically. More about the new job when I know a bit more about it, my mind's still a bit shell shocked with everything I've learnt today.

I'd love to give you a thought provoking and structured entry, but as I've mentioned, we've found somewhere new to live so I've spent most of tonight having a bit of a clothes cull, a major sort out so that I can at least see what I've got, looking at books while Mark packed them up and painting my nails then peeling off the varnish-well I had to have a little bit of me time. So I simply haven't the time at the moment, sorry dolls.

I'll be back and sensible when life is a little calmer and, ironically, I have less to write about!

One sided relationships

It's OK, no don't run away, this is not a whinge about how 'I wish he loved me the way I do him' in fact, it's quite the opposite. I never noticed until recently how all relationships are one sided. There's one partner who dotes on the other, either in a sickening way where they permanently attach them self to the other or in the more subtle 'letting the other get away with absolute murder' because they couldn't imagine their life without them.

We've all seen the boyfriend that puts up with the repeat offender "I have given up smoking, at home, but we're in the pub now" or the boyfriend saying "I didn't mean to stay out all night, but Smithy's just had a baby boy and it all got a bit out of hand and my battery ran out but I didn't notice..."

And the partner either rolls their eyes and gets on with it or is a little frosty with the offender for a few hours/days then it's forgotten and life goes on. Every relationship I've had so far I've been on the smitten, doting side. Where I will get up early to make a special breakfast for him, or turn up at his wearing something to make his, ahem, eyes bulge, or plan surprise nights out that I know he'll go gaga for. This one's not like that-it was, well it would have been but the time I did go round dressed as a sexy Santa along with presents and everything was the morning after the night before and he'd been a naughty boy (half an hour or so earlier and, well, I'm trying not to think about that and it's not the point here anyway) the point is that I had to make a real effort not to put my partner back into the centre of my world. And do you know what? It's worked out just dandy, he brings me breakfast in bed-to the extent that he will go to the shops and buy stuff to bring home and cook for me, I am the recipient of beautiful hand made cards, I can 'give up' smoking every week and these are just things that I can think of off the top of my head. Why, oh why didn't I realise this before? This is the way it should be, I'm the centre of his world. He picks me up from work when I work late, which is the correct thing for a boyfriend to do, but not one of the rest of them would (maybe Matt, but he would have asked for petrol money).

I just don't understand why anyone would want to be on the other side of this partnership, yes it did give me a nice feeling doing things for the one I was showering with my adoration at the time but what does that mean to me now? What did I gain from it? Nicht. Nada. Sweet FA. That's what. Maybe it has something to do with getting older, I'm seeing the world in a more cynical light and, having been fucked over, I'm more guarded. I'm starting to ask 'what's in it for me' before I commit myself. As it turns out what's in it for me this time around is a sweet guy who is making up for a naive mistake due to lack of experience and setting a high standard of treatment. While I'm doing my best to learn forgiveness (Something that I don't generally do) I don't think I'll be particularly forthcoming if I ever do forgive. I don't think I want this to end!

Jabberwocky

If you want a bit of nonsense follow the white hare,

if it's common sense or google you could always try here

But I wouldn't, they're mad as arseholes and on the run.

Patta cake patta cake, run Voddy run

Notice, again...

Got back from Lunch today to be told that I'm finishing up next Friday.

I think I'll quote Captain Darling.

"Bugger."

There, now that's a bit better. Merry Christmas you fuckers.