fuck it, that'll do

As I was walking to work this morning I notice the man in front of me, he was squat and barrel shaped and walked by swinging his arms outward and to a lesser extent his legs, he looked like a large bipedal lizard. As I was thinking this a small woman in a fawn coloured woolly had sped past like a deer running through the open. I think i might be watching too much David Attenborough as I seem to have turned my walk to work into a surreal safari!

Work was a little strange as I started in a new department today, the guy who's training me is really nice and open about never having trained anyone before and said if I think I need anything different just to say and we'd work it out. I said not to worry as I've had tonnes of training and I'm not shy so I will let him know if I'm not clear, but that it wouldn't actually show until I started doing stuff rather than watching other people do it. Part of the job is to go around the building checking for faults, I am so glad that I wore flat shoes and not the killer heels that make me feel great psychologically but cripple me physically. More about the new job when I know a bit more about it, my mind's still a bit shell shocked with everything I've learnt today.

I'd love to give you a thought provoking and structured entry, but as I've mentioned, we've found somewhere new to live so I've spent most of tonight having a bit of a clothes cull, a major sort out so that I can at least see what I've got, looking at books while Mark packed them up and painting my nails then peeling off the varnish-well I had to have a little bit of me time. So I simply haven't the time at the moment, sorry dolls.

I'll be back and sensible when life is a little calmer and, ironically, I have less to write about!

On my way to work this morning

I saw a pooh-leece boat speeding down the river with it's siren blazing and wondered who they were warning of their presence? The only other boats moving was the clipper-trundling along in an elderly manner taking it's predictable route. The smaller police boat was screeching it's siren and weaving along. The other thing that came to mind was, who are they actually going after, is there a cormorant fishing without a license? They disappear under Tower Bridge and I carry on over it, just as I get to the south side gates I see a song thrush, dead on the ground in a fenced in part of the bridge. I know which bird it is instantly, it has text book markings so perfect that at first I thought it was a child's toy, a stuffed replica of the real thing. Well it was stuffed in a sense. It made me a little sad, but I carried on to work. I'm leaving early today to register with an agency that might find me a permanent job and to get anti baby pills from the doctor. They both need to be done, but I'm not fussed either way by them neither looking forward to nor dreading them, just a chore that I have to do.

I've just been told in the lift by the Mayor's PA that she would want a mountain of them, gesturing to my egg on toast, as there's practically nothing to it. I bet there's not even butter on that says she. well there is-lot of in fact. Because I'm slim people tend to think I don't eat-this is not the case, I eat and I eat well, I just use the energy that I get from the food I eat. I think that has something to do with having a full time day job and a part time night job. Either way, if I start getting fat I'll adjust the levels of intake and activity accordingly-this seems to be the bit about weight control that most people don't understand.

I was thinking some really profound stuff last night whilst I was smoking outside of the pub-I was a little stoned and tipsy so it probably wasn't that interesting to a sober mind and I knew at the time I'd never remember it today, but I thought wouldn't it be good if you could somehow record your thoughts as you think them then delete the ones you don't want to publish are correct the spellings on the word you've been slurring? I guess not really, blogspot would become an attic full of peoples old thoughts that they will never use again but didn't have the heart to discard-which it is, in a way, I suppose.
Skye told me once that I shouldn't hold on to the negative things-diary entries, text messages or anything that's broken my heart. But I can't help myself, I need to keep them for reference to try to learn from them, but I don't I just go over them again and again, opening emotional scars, picking the scab so it bleeds. I used to do that physically (I was emo when everyone else was grunge) but I can't do that any more, 13 years old and it's a cry for help 29 years old and it's a free trip to the funny farm. I wish I'd learnt alternative ways to deal with negative emotions at the time. Poor me, any suggestions?

I don't believe that any one's reading my blog and I can't work out the analytics page to see anything useful, so by show of hands (or indeed comments) I'll ask you that if you've read this please leave me a comment, even if its an emoticon just so that I can get the gist of it.

For now I'll do a token amount of work then get on with flat/job hunting-everything is about tho change so if you're already here, keep reading!

Time....

I had an interview last week for a job that I really want. It was on Tuesday so I took Monday off to prepare for it and Wednesday off to recover. I didn't go to the pub job all week and I only came in for the day job on Thursday and Friday, claiming some sort of stomach ailment.

This week I have, so far worked five days and three nights and I'm going to work tonight too and I don't feel nearly as tired as I did last week, weird huh?
I've been enjoying the pub job, apparently October is a notoriously slow month in the pub trade which means I get paid to just be there a lot of the time, and I get to try the nice new beers we get in and a trader discount on borough market. It's a win-win situation for me, I get paid to be out of the flat and I hate that flat. I spend my days looking at alternatives and the contract is coming to a close (hallelujah!) next month so we actually have to find a new one and what with this credit crunch (Gawd bless it) prices are at a reasonable level and we can afford somewhere decent without having to go for a dodgy sublet.

Anyway, the point of this post was to tell you why I'm not writing that much any more, I'm spending my time at my day job looking for flats/jobs and most of my evenings are spent working in the pub. The need to save. I want to do grown up things and it seems to do any of them I need to get money and lots of it. What I'm actually planning is a surprise so you'l have to wait and see. It wont be long and I wont be writing much in the mean time, but bear with me because this is going to be worth it!

Growing up

Do you remember being a kid and wondering what it was like to be a grown up? I don't mean when you were a teenager and thought "I can't wait until I'm old enough to drink, smoke or have sex" I mean when you thought that life had a number of milestones where things happened automatically. Am I the only person that thought thet way? A few examples: at an unspecified age you got given a job and a driving license and a car, then you worked for a few years and got given somewhere to live, next you got married and had children. Simple.

I never gave any thought to how everyone got these things because it was obvious, they were given to you at a certain age. If you wanted to be a doctor you went to school, college then university (although in those days I didn't know the exact order) and when you were finished, you were given the job that you'd wanted in the first place. I admire the naïvety that children have, I wish I still had it and I, even more so, wish that it was the case.

Well, I've been to college and university and I haven't got the job I wanted. I've past the age where I'm supposed to get a driving licence and a car and no-ones given them to me. Don't even talk to me about where I live and I've had a few close calls with marriage, but I've not been caught out yet. Children? well I've never even had a scare. I'm a sensible girl.
Well, now I realise that you have to make these things happen yourself. So I'm going to work on them one at a time. After the fantasic time Mark and I had in Wales we've decided to move ourselves a little closer to the countryside. Swansea seems the logical place as it's a big city that's close and easily accessable to the sort of place we like. So I've been looking at places tolive, started with renting a room in a shared house and oh my god, look at the price of them! Not in a bad way either, it's cheap, I mean some of them are the same price for a month as we currently pay a week for the shit hole we live in. And looking at the places they're nice, they have space and gardens and real neighbours that aren't drug dealers or whores (I've looked up the area both on thenet and asking friends that know the area. I've looked on google streetview and as far as I can see there's no down side). Now I think, just for fun-to daydream for a bit, I'll look at the house prices to buy. Again, pleasently surprised, I'm a bit excited now so I look up mortgages that we may be able to get and not only does it look possible, it looks like we'd be fools not to go for it.

People live in London for the excitement and the city life. I don't find it exciting and I've never liked the city life. Apart from it being easy to find work there's no advantage to being here at all.
So there it is, theres a rudimentary plan taking shape and it looks do-able. Maybe what I thought when I was a child wasn't so far fetched, I've just been waiting for it in the wrong place.

I'm going to make it happen

I met a lady today who is going to help me improve my German-did I mention I was trying to learn it? She seems sehr nett and very organised so I think this will work out quite well. It will be nice to speak freely with someone, not worrying about mistakes and practising speaking and listening with someone who knows what I need to learn. Yes this is a good way to learn, all she wants from me is some correction on her (flawless) English and some pointers on colloquial phrases. Ohhh, I could crush a grape! I don't think she will want to know that one!
Work was boring but I'm making alot of headway on my 'spelling mistakes' document, it's about 3 pages long now-I'll publish the best bits one day but for the time being it's just something that makes the day go by a little quicker. Speaking of work I have all but stopped looking for something permanent-it just doesn't seem urgent enough while I'm temping esp in a place where I like it as much as I do, I think it's best to hang around and see if anything comes up there that I can do-I need to start thinking about all of this seriously soon but what I can do is so specified and opportunities don't come up all that often-I'll stop there this is turning into a whinge.
On the up side; just one more year, earning and saving and learning then I get to go and make a new start. I can hardly wait, it is what I want if not what I need and the wheel's are in motion.

I love it when a plan comes together.