On my way to work this morning

I saw a pooh-leece boat speeding down the river with it's siren blazing and wondered who they were warning of their presence? The only other boats moving was the clipper-trundling along in an elderly manner taking it's predictable route. The smaller police boat was screeching it's siren and weaving along. The other thing that came to mind was, who are they actually going after, is there a cormorant fishing without a license? They disappear under Tower Bridge and I carry on over it, just as I get to the south side gates I see a song thrush, dead on the ground in a fenced in part of the bridge. I know which bird it is instantly, it has text book markings so perfect that at first I thought it was a child's toy, a stuffed replica of the real thing. Well it was stuffed in a sense. It made me a little sad, but I carried on to work. I'm leaving early today to register with an agency that might find me a permanent job and to get anti baby pills from the doctor. They both need to be done, but I'm not fussed either way by them neither looking forward to nor dreading them, just a chore that I have to do.

I've just been told in the lift by the Mayor's PA that she would want a mountain of them, gesturing to my egg on toast, as there's practically nothing to it. I bet there's not even butter on that says she. well there is-lot of in fact. Because I'm slim people tend to think I don't eat-this is not the case, I eat and I eat well, I just use the energy that I get from the food I eat. I think that has something to do with having a full time day job and a part time night job. Either way, if I start getting fat I'll adjust the levels of intake and activity accordingly-this seems to be the bit about weight control that most people don't understand.

I was thinking some really profound stuff last night whilst I was smoking outside of the pub-I was a little stoned and tipsy so it probably wasn't that interesting to a sober mind and I knew at the time I'd never remember it today, but I thought wouldn't it be good if you could somehow record your thoughts as you think them then delete the ones you don't want to publish are correct the spellings on the word you've been slurring? I guess not really, blogspot would become an attic full of peoples old thoughts that they will never use again but didn't have the heart to discard-which it is, in a way, I suppose.
Skye told me once that I shouldn't hold on to the negative things-diary entries, text messages or anything that's broken my heart. But I can't help myself, I need to keep them for reference to try to learn from them, but I don't I just go over them again and again, opening emotional scars, picking the scab so it bleeds. I used to do that physically (I was emo when everyone else was grunge) but I can't do that any more, 13 years old and it's a cry for help 29 years old and it's a free trip to the funny farm. I wish I'd learnt alternative ways to deal with negative emotions at the time. Poor me, any suggestions?

I don't believe that any one's reading my blog and I can't work out the analytics page to see anything useful, so by show of hands (or indeed comments) I'll ask you that if you've read this please leave me a comment, even if its an emoticon just so that I can get the gist of it.

For now I'll do a token amount of work then get on with flat/job hunting-everything is about tho change so if you're already here, keep reading!

Put on your red shoes

I want to go out and dance till I can stand no more, laugh till my face hurts and run because I'm so excited I have to burn off the energy somehow.
I want to look at the fit guys across the room and giggle with my friends and joke about which one of them should go with each of us. I want to be in the club when the lights come on and see which one of us really got stuck with the munter.
I want to stumble home, finding a shopping trolley on the way and jumping in for a ride. I want to wake up in the early afternoon with my face in a kebab and a friend on the sofa.
I want half an eye on the phone wondering if he will call or text, I want the anticipation of that first date and the first kiss at the end of it. I want the thrill of a touch that electrifies. I want to panic about a deadline that doesn't matter and be proud of a grade that doesn't count. I want to be late and not worry. I want to have a bad attitude that suits me. I want to paint flowers on my face and wear a skirt that's too short. I want to show the world a v sign followed by my bare arse then run away to tell someone who'll laugh and wish they'd done it first. I want to wander the streets knowing I'll find someone I know who's not doing anything and we'll find somewhere to cotch together until the rest of the gang find us-knowing where to be seen is instinctual and knowing where to look is common sense. I want my evenings to start at 15:10 again.
I want to spend my weekend wandering around (the old) Camden in a purple haze. I want to pet stange dogs and wonder what I'll be when I grow up. I want to plan trips that will never happen and dream about where I'll go when I have a camper van and a german shepherd. I want to wander the city late at night and laugh at the silly street names and marval at a set of stairs opposite St Pauls cathedral. I want to link arms with my friends and sing at the top of our lungs, what ever song is cool that week (Loser, unchained melody etc).

Would I do anything differently? Not back then I wouldn't changes would come later and it would involve more wreckless stuff not less of it. I'd carry it on longer. I'd be a bit wilder. I'd shout louder than the rest of the world put together.

mid teen times

OK, so it's Tuesday and I did something last night that wasn't stay home and faff around on the internet or tidy up. Consequently the flat needs some serious work, but I can deal with that another day and Mark did have a go.
Anyway, back to the point. I'm fed up of living life one weekend to the next so I'm grabbing every day and making it worth while or, to quote Mark when he was hungover and going into work on a Saturday "let's go kick today in the balls." So I met Mirry-anda-the-panda last night. We had a nostalgic walk along Whitecross Street having met outside the old Accapella builing (which isn't there anymore) had a look around Waitrose, it sits where Safeways once lived. We remembered Clair or Ferret stealing vodka and all the rest of the 'crusers' knocking around there or Snowy park. It was a nice trip down memory lane. We bought some Gu desserts and a dressed lobster which we took to the pub to eat. I introduced Mirry to Sailor Jerrys rum and we discovered an alcoholic ginger beer, it's not as good as Stones alcoholic ginger beer but I'm not in Kansas any more and the Wizard of Oz is unlikely to get in contact me ever again so the chances of my finding that are slim indeed.

We talked about mutual friends some we're in contact with some we're not. Some aren't even our friends anymore. Her 'new' relationship. It feels like not much has changed since we were 15 and in 'Caddis Flae' oh, except she has a boyfriend now and I'm not recruiting drummers with my feminine charms. We stayed in the pub 'til about 22:30 ish, we'd bought some weed and sat outside (across from the police station!) smoking which meant our conversation tailed off and went off on to tangents so making much less sense but laughing a great deal more. We promised we would meet up much more regularly and I'm pushing her to meet her new beau so I'm hoping that will happen soon.

I got home tired but happy, knowing I can still call a friend and just 'hang out' feeling like a teenager again. I suppose it helps that I was with a friend that I've known since I was a teenager and we were doing the same sort of stuff (substitute the lobster for a bag of chips and the pub for, well, Snowy park or a concealed bench in the Barbican centre) as we were doing back then.

*Also swap the 'music' we made in our band for the music we played on the jukebox

My new friend

There were a few mistakes, a few light things to do and a bit of indecision that wasn't all mine for a change.


Phew, what a weekend it was.



Friday I went out with a friend of mine from the pub that I work in, we drunk Ale from Sussex and chatted. It's nice to get to know new people and Jon is one of the people that I'm genuinely interested in, rather than someone that I'm forced into knowing and have to tolerate (certain colleagues, friends of friends or friends of family members). The only real problem here is that the only time I've spent with him has been when I'm serving behind the bar or when we're both on the 'correct' side of the bar and then we get shitfaced. We both seem to enjoy the really strong pale ales so drunkardness sneaks up on us. And Jon does a disappearing act after a left hand milk stout. It's one of the things I like about him as I've been known to just leave once I've had enough-I'm not big on goodbyes when I'm drunk, they usually lead to sloppy kisses and the classic "You know you're my best friend, hic" or " I really love you man!" And it seems that even when I'm beyond remembering my own name I just know that this is not a dignifyed thing to do so I sneak off too. We had another of those nights that ends in me playing pac-man chasing a take away curry around the kitchen floor because Mark's put it on a plate but I'm too drunk to lift my head off of the floor so I push the plate forward with every bite I attempt.



Saturday we went to Ricmond park-WOW it's even prettier than I remembered, we saw the deer, the first time was from a distance, and we tried to get pictures with our phones and although we could see them quite clearly the camera picked them up as about 3 pixels on a screen of green and blue (The Rigante colours). Still it was a magical sight. We walked on through the park and came to a lake with a bench between it and an overgrown meadow so we sat and had lunch. Saw some beautiful blue mayflies and inspected a really ugly insect that landed on my ruck sack. As we got up to leave we saw the deer again, a lot closer this time and they were coming towards us. Some had anklers and they varied from 1 to 7 pointers, there were colour variations some being quite dark fawn and others quite bright whites. They were all beautiful and the anklers looked like they would feel like velvet to touch. I thought it looked sumptuous, Mark said the feel of velvet makes him itch. I shall put the pictures on here at somepoint when I play with this blog at home. They got closer and closer and I started to get a bit nervous-well they are a bit like small horses and one of them did try to eat me when we were in Wales. So we tried to back off but they kept coming, bloody hell we're beng surrounded by carnivorous deer! It all ended well when I hit one on the head with a digestive. Deer seem to like digestives-who knew?

Fat ladies in floral print make me feel sick and I've seen two of them today.

The most horrific was the one I saw through a pub window, she was about two feet wide with a short garish flower print dress on that had a hole cut out of the back so that everyone could see her pale, clammy, fat, sweaty back. I'm not being cruel, this is what it actually looked like and it made me feel queesy. I think the cruel person here was who ever said to this person "go on, wear it, you look alright." Cruel to her and cruel to the rest of Upper Street. I felt strongly enough about it at the time to point her out to Mark who turned around just in time to see her take a tumble as she crossed the road out side screen on the green. And I feel strongly enough about it now to dedicate a blog entry to it. Not a very good one I admit, but still, this has taken time to write when I could be restlessly tossing and turning and keeping Mark awake.

The other one wasn't nearly as dramatic, but I was pished by the time I saw her and full up on vegetable and goats cheese lasagne. She just made me remember the first one and now it's an image I don't think I'll ever forget!

Happy days

What you drop on the swings you tend to pick up on the roundabout.
Life's a circle and at the moment, I'm up.



"It's ok to be denied but it is not ok to be replaced"

That's enough gloating, it's Tuesday so I should probably tell you about the gig on Friday, it was Reel Big Fish and they played at The Forum, Kentish town. I don't know why but I get really anxious before a planned event, all I have to do is turn up and I know it will be a fun night but all I see are all the 'what ifs' and 'buts' all the bad ones. It's almost like a panic where I want to dig my heels in and utter those infamous words "I don't want to" they had real meaning when I was a teenager, I was stubborn as a mule and once I'd said it-even if I'd changed my mind-would never budge. Anyway, I'm older and although not wiser I'm certainly no where near as stubborn as I was then, so I go and I smile although I feel strange almost frightened for no reason at all. We got here having missed the first support band (we decided thay sounded pretty dire so that was intentional) we were in the upstairs seated area but found a row were there was standing room only and secured our place. The support band 'Suburban Legends' were pretty good, they had lots of energy which is contagious at a gig, it spreads through the audience and even the most uptight people will start to jig about-I know I was one of them (until I found the bar and started seriously drinking). They had some funny little dances and did a cover of the Lion Kings 'I just can't wait to be king' which I thought was a great song and I jumped about loving it not realising it was a cover as I've never seen the Lion King. Watching the discordant dance of the lead singer I notice he has the worst (and only) case of camel toe I have ever seen on a man! There are two girls stood slightyl behind us cracking up and I wonder if that is what they are laughing at. White trousers and camel toe, genius! Laughing makes me want to pee and the toilets at the Forum are a real treat, they smell like coconut and there is no cue, I even have a chioce of cubicle, they all look clean and have toilet paper-that's important to us girllies. I come back to our 'patch' to find Mark swaying in perfect time with two larger girls on his left holding onto the rail in front of them, this makes me smile warmly-I do love him, I realise I whinge, but he has tried so hard since that thing and he's sorry and wants us to be happy again, so we will be, we are-I'm not letting it eat away at me any more. Enough of that, again.

Let me jump forward a bit to RBF they were better than the last time I saw them, I think my panic got the better of me then and I spent most of the evening determined to not have a good time, so I watched the clock. This time I sung, danced and waved my arms about. Standing on Marks left side jabbing the air and pretending to be left handed myself-if I'm going to try it it may as well be at a ska gig-who's going to notice if I'm out of time? Somebody's started a conga line that's going up and down the top ailses so I join on the back gripping some sweaty topless teenager and kicking my legs as we head towards the back bar, the graze and bruise on my knee tells me I fell over and I think this is when it happened but my pickled brain doesn't have this information for certain. The conga turns into a ring of people doing the crazy boy dance ina big circle at the end of the bar, looking down all I see are shoes kicking in time with each other, left right left right. My floral DMs along side Converse and Airwalk and those crappy £5 pumps that seem to be fasionable now. After the song the group disperse back their friends as I walk off I say to a blonde dread locked lad "that was worth joining the conga for!" And it was.

The highlight of the night was RBF's cover of "Nothin but a good time" by LA guns-look it up, it's classic hair metal, it's my all time favourite genre and now it's being covered by a wel repected ska band. I shout the words into the crowd and I seem to be the only person in the room that knows it. I found out later that this is not so, speaking to a bloke on the tier above me we agreed that it was an awsome cover but the young audience had no idea what was going on, we high fived as I said if they played a little skid row we could empty this place, he smiled and went on his merry way with his friend probably looking for more beer.

So we left the Forum, having had a great night and not wanting it to end just yet we (I) stumble into a nearby pub. After the 6 cans of beer I've had at the gig I think I need something lighter-kopperberg will do the trick nicely. There are shelves lining the wall and Mark goes to look at the books and comes back abruptly after spotting Princess Di and Planet Earth and having read the later and having no interest in th firsy decided to call it a day. We plodded onto the tube and got off to change at Kings Cross but although we ran, we got to the platform just in time to see the last Hammersmith & City line train slink through the tunnel. Shit.

So it's an underground/overground journey home for us, but at least I know which bus to get from here. Come th morning I've completely forgotten the journey home and looking at my knee with equal confusion. Mark reminded me and we danced to songs from the lion king around the kitchen/living area. I'm not feeling to shabby considering the alcohol induced memory loss I'm suffering! The best bit of that day was hugging and remembering how and why we first told the other that we love them. On his part it was gestures and patience that paved the way, from me it was his innocence and and the excitement he held.

"When you said 'the ball's in your court' I knew I loved you"

Christmas without you

So much has changed in 2008.
I've moved twice, got a (sort of) secure job and started to plan for the future-the real future not just "I want to go on holiday this year, wonder where I should go". It's all a bit scary even for me.
Well enough of non-specific hopes and dreams, how about I tell you about Christmas and new years eve?

Christmas started for me on the 24th because I spent the evening with my brother and I don't get to spend enough time with him. We went to his girlfriends house and had dinner there, nothing too special just chatting playing catch up and getting on nicely and later on watching rubbish telly and dozing on the sofa. I haven't seen him look so happy in years. I think that was the best present I could have got this or any other year. I stayed over at his flat to wake up there on Christmas day and did the visiting everyone within a five mile radius that we are related to wishing them all a merry Christmas and swapping cards and gifts. Then we seperated, he went to Nanny's for dinner and I went to my Mums where I spent the next day and a half on the sofa eating chocolate, fudge and expensive cheese with biscuits.
We started worrying aout bedsores and so decided that shopping would be the cure we needed on Saturday. We found a few shops that weren't crazy with Christmas sales shoppers trying to kill each other over a 75% discount on a sandwich toaster and I bought all the socks that I hadn't got for presents at Christmas as I had expected. Then my favourite purchase-new boots. I have to admit that I have a thing for shoes and boots. Mark says I have spent a horrific amout of money on them this year, but I think I've been quite good. They are soft leather and sooo comfy that I'm sure I'll wear them loads and so well worth the £95 price tag. Mum liked them so much she got herself a pair too-slightly different, higher heel, a bit more dressy. Then back to Mums to make sense of all the treasures we had found.
Call from Raven, "come out for drinks" "can't have too much to do" "just a quick one, I'm on your road now" "ok, meet you in half hour". Rolled home 6 hours or so later singing silly songs. Having spent the evening running for buses, playing pool, befriending small dogs and dancing with Will in an unknown pub/bar. I still don't know how we found Raven again but I was glad he was there to put me on the bus home!
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
But it did mean that I didn't set an alarm therefor didn't get up on time to go and do the second family thing in Chelmsford. Bugger, no-one seemed to mind, but I've done that twice now so I'll watch myself in the future. I'm tired of typing now so I'm going to pick up on this another time and get onto the few days between and then the fantastic New Years Eve. Again, it wasn't anything too special or loutish, but I was with some friends that I really care for and don't see enough of and so was really special for me.