On my way to work this morning

I saw a pooh-leece boat speeding down the river with it's siren blazing and wondered who they were warning of their presence? The only other boats moving was the clipper-trundling along in an elderly manner taking it's predictable route. The smaller police boat was screeching it's siren and weaving along. The other thing that came to mind was, who are they actually going after, is there a cormorant fishing without a license? They disappear under Tower Bridge and I carry on over it, just as I get to the south side gates I see a song thrush, dead on the ground in a fenced in part of the bridge. I know which bird it is instantly, it has text book markings so perfect that at first I thought it was a child's toy, a stuffed replica of the real thing. Well it was stuffed in a sense. It made me a little sad, but I carried on to work. I'm leaving early today to register with an agency that might find me a permanent job and to get anti baby pills from the doctor. They both need to be done, but I'm not fussed either way by them neither looking forward to nor dreading them, just a chore that I have to do.

I've just been told in the lift by the Mayor's PA that she would want a mountain of them, gesturing to my egg on toast, as there's practically nothing to it. I bet there's not even butter on that says she. well there is-lot of in fact. Because I'm slim people tend to think I don't eat-this is not the case, I eat and I eat well, I just use the energy that I get from the food I eat. I think that has something to do with having a full time day job and a part time night job. Either way, if I start getting fat I'll adjust the levels of intake and activity accordingly-this seems to be the bit about weight control that most people don't understand.

I was thinking some really profound stuff last night whilst I was smoking outside of the pub-I was a little stoned and tipsy so it probably wasn't that interesting to a sober mind and I knew at the time I'd never remember it today, but I thought wouldn't it be good if you could somehow record your thoughts as you think them then delete the ones you don't want to publish are correct the spellings on the word you've been slurring? I guess not really, blogspot would become an attic full of peoples old thoughts that they will never use again but didn't have the heart to discard-which it is, in a way, I suppose.
Skye told me once that I shouldn't hold on to the negative things-diary entries, text messages or anything that's broken my heart. But I can't help myself, I need to keep them for reference to try to learn from them, but I don't I just go over them again and again, opening emotional scars, picking the scab so it bleeds. I used to do that physically (I was emo when everyone else was grunge) but I can't do that any more, 13 years old and it's a cry for help 29 years old and it's a free trip to the funny farm. I wish I'd learnt alternative ways to deal with negative emotions at the time. Poor me, any suggestions?

I don't believe that any one's reading my blog and I can't work out the analytics page to see anything useful, so by show of hands (or indeed comments) I'll ask you that if you've read this please leave me a comment, even if its an emoticon just so that I can get the gist of it.

For now I'll do a token amount of work then get on with flat/job hunting-everything is about tho change so if you're already here, keep reading!

Put on your red shoes

I want to go out and dance till I can stand no more, laugh till my face hurts and run because I'm so excited I have to burn off the energy somehow.
I want to look at the fit guys across the room and giggle with my friends and joke about which one of them should go with each of us. I want to be in the club when the lights come on and see which one of us really got stuck with the munter.
I want to stumble home, finding a shopping trolley on the way and jumping in for a ride. I want to wake up in the early afternoon with my face in a kebab and a friend on the sofa.
I want half an eye on the phone wondering if he will call or text, I want the anticipation of that first date and the first kiss at the end of it. I want the thrill of a touch that electrifies. I want to panic about a deadline that doesn't matter and be proud of a grade that doesn't count. I want to be late and not worry. I want to have a bad attitude that suits me. I want to paint flowers on my face and wear a skirt that's too short. I want to show the world a v sign followed by my bare arse then run away to tell someone who'll laugh and wish they'd done it first. I want to wander the streets knowing I'll find someone I know who's not doing anything and we'll find somewhere to cotch together until the rest of the gang find us-knowing where to be seen is instinctual and knowing where to look is common sense. I want my evenings to start at 15:10 again.
I want to spend my weekend wandering around (the old) Camden in a purple haze. I want to pet stange dogs and wonder what I'll be when I grow up. I want to plan trips that will never happen and dream about where I'll go when I have a camper van and a german shepherd. I want to wander the city late at night and laugh at the silly street names and marval at a set of stairs opposite St Pauls cathedral. I want to link arms with my friends and sing at the top of our lungs, what ever song is cool that week (Loser, unchained melody etc).

Would I do anything differently? Not back then I wouldn't changes would come later and it would involve more wreckless stuff not less of it. I'd carry it on longer. I'd be a bit wilder. I'd shout louder than the rest of the world put together.

Living from weekend to weekend

I've just read back the last few posts on here and I've noticed that, like many people, I'm living from one weekend to the next with very little inbetween. Even in the summer. Any posts that I've made during the week are whinges about how boring my job is and how much I dislike which ever of my supervisors is pissing me off that day.

I should be making the most of my evenings, meeting friends in a park, or going to shows at the globe with my boyfriend, but I don't. I've gone back to the pub job so that's Wednesdays and Fridays out of the equation but on the evenings when I'm not working I seem to go home and clean. My new hobby is washing up-or pulling out the cooker/fridge to clean behind them, or re-organising the cupboards (cleaning them as I empty them, obviously).



Shit. I'm turning into my Dad.



I like nothing more than the satisfaction of a clean orderly kitchen side or a freshly made bed and I've always had a weird obsession with washing and washing up. I seem to spend an unreasonable amount of my life hanging socks. None of this would make a particularly good blog post. (So I'm sorry about this one).

I work and clean. That is my life. It will be worth it when I can buy a house outright and spend my evenings in my own garden and my weekends walking along the Pembrokeshire coast.













Additional: I've just booked two tickets to see 'As you like it' at Shakespeares Globe Theatre. After all, for the time being, I live in London. One of the most interesting, busy and cultural cities in the world, I might as well make the most of it until I retire to the countryside.

Moving forward

The weekly meeting was this morning, I've been going to them since I started 'working' here last May and the only thing that has ever concerned me was when we were told that the department was getting an all singing all dancing photocopier/printer/scanner and it turns out that I'll still be using the old one so even that was just a passing interest. As I'm temping here all the 'major changes' and 'trial runs' have meant nothing as what I do is uneffected. But I go so that I feel part of hte team and to show an interest. Showing an interest is becoming more and more difficult so I've started to take a notepad and noting down all the stupid office jargon that's said and the frequency of its use.
Todays meeting lasted 40 minutes and the term "going forward" was used 15 times-that's nearly once every two minutes. It was used by the Manager, phones supervisor, line manager and a few colleages. There was a stage where there was an uncomfortable silence broken soley by these words, I nearly fell off my chair laughing. I really don't know how I heald it together.

Well I think it's time that I 'moved forward' I need a real job, I'm fed up temping. I want the benefits that come with the commitment, not just the commitment of being afraid there will be no job at the end of next week. I've said it's about time I grew up and got some adult responsibilty, and I have to start with a proper job with real prospects. So as the 'system' that's been the talk of these pointless meetings for so long has crashed (again) I'm going to spend the day searching Reed employment and jazzing up my cv.

I've really got to get out of here!

Growing up

Do you remember being a kid and wondering what it was like to be a grown up? I don't mean when you were a teenager and thought "I can't wait until I'm old enough to drink, smoke or have sex" I mean when you thought that life had a number of milestones where things happened automatically. Am I the only person that thought thet way? A few examples: at an unspecified age you got given a job and a driving license and a car, then you worked for a few years and got given somewhere to live, next you got married and had children. Simple.

I never gave any thought to how everyone got these things because it was obvious, they were given to you at a certain age. If you wanted to be a doctor you went to school, college then university (although in those days I didn't know the exact order) and when you were finished, you were given the job that you'd wanted in the first place. I admire the naïvety that children have, I wish I still had it and I, even more so, wish that it was the case.

Well, I've been to college and university and I haven't got the job I wanted. I've past the age where I'm supposed to get a driving licence and a car and no-ones given them to me. Don't even talk to me about where I live and I've had a few close calls with marriage, but I've not been caught out yet. Children? well I've never even had a scare. I'm a sensible girl.
Well, now I realise that you have to make these things happen yourself. So I'm going to work on them one at a time. After the fantasic time Mark and I had in Wales we've decided to move ourselves a little closer to the countryside. Swansea seems the logical place as it's a big city that's close and easily accessable to the sort of place we like. So I've been looking at places tolive, started with renting a room in a shared house and oh my god, look at the price of them! Not in a bad way either, it's cheap, I mean some of them are the same price for a month as we currently pay a week for the shit hole we live in. And looking at the places they're nice, they have space and gardens and real neighbours that aren't drug dealers or whores (I've looked up the area both on thenet and asking friends that know the area. I've looked on google streetview and as far as I can see there's no down side). Now I think, just for fun-to daydream for a bit, I'll look at the house prices to buy. Again, pleasently surprised, I'm a bit excited now so I look up mortgages that we may be able to get and not only does it look possible, it looks like we'd be fools not to go for it.

People live in London for the excitement and the city life. I don't find it exciting and I've never liked the city life. Apart from it being easy to find work there's no advantage to being here at all.
So there it is, theres a rudimentary plan taking shape and it looks do-able. Maybe what I thought when I was a child wasn't so far fetched, I've just been waiting for it in the wrong place.

What happened to the smiles?

From another time when things were fun, people were close and serious was just a seven letter word. When spending too much time on the phone meant a painted face, not a huff.
Why isn't tomorrow an opportunity for fun any more?
When and more importantly how did it all get so sensible?
What's next, does it matter? When do we find out the answers?
The series ended on a cliff-hanger then got decommissioned.
Why still wait-because there is nothing else to do-nothing else to fill that void.