Put on your red shoes

I want to go out and dance till I can stand no more, laugh till my face hurts and run because I'm so excited I have to burn off the energy somehow.
I want to look at the fit guys across the room and giggle with my friends and joke about which one of them should go with each of us. I want to be in the club when the lights come on and see which one of us really got stuck with the munter.
I want to stumble home, finding a shopping trolley on the way and jumping in for a ride. I want to wake up in the early afternoon with my face in a kebab and a friend on the sofa.
I want half an eye on the phone wondering if he will call or text, I want the anticipation of that first date and the first kiss at the end of it. I want the thrill of a touch that electrifies. I want to panic about a deadline that doesn't matter and be proud of a grade that doesn't count. I want to be late and not worry. I want to have a bad attitude that suits me. I want to paint flowers on my face and wear a skirt that's too short. I want to show the world a v sign followed by my bare arse then run away to tell someone who'll laugh and wish they'd done it first. I want to wander the streets knowing I'll find someone I know who's not doing anything and we'll find somewhere to cotch together until the rest of the gang find us-knowing where to be seen is instinctual and knowing where to look is common sense. I want my evenings to start at 15:10 again.
I want to spend my weekend wandering around (the old) Camden in a purple haze. I want to pet stange dogs and wonder what I'll be when I grow up. I want to plan trips that will never happen and dream about where I'll go when I have a camper van and a german shepherd. I want to wander the city late at night and laugh at the silly street names and marval at a set of stairs opposite St Pauls cathedral. I want to link arms with my friends and sing at the top of our lungs, what ever song is cool that week (Loser, unchained melody etc).

Would I do anything differently? Not back then I wouldn't changes would come later and it would involve more wreckless stuff not less of it. I'd carry it on longer. I'd be a bit wilder. I'd shout louder than the rest of the world put together.

mid teen times

OK, so it's Tuesday and I did something last night that wasn't stay home and faff around on the internet or tidy up. Consequently the flat needs some serious work, but I can deal with that another day and Mark did have a go.
Anyway, back to the point. I'm fed up of living life one weekend to the next so I'm grabbing every day and making it worth while or, to quote Mark when he was hungover and going into work on a Saturday "let's go kick today in the balls." So I met Mirry-anda-the-panda last night. We had a nostalgic walk along Whitecross Street having met outside the old Accapella builing (which isn't there anymore) had a look around Waitrose, it sits where Safeways once lived. We remembered Clair or Ferret stealing vodka and all the rest of the 'crusers' knocking around there or Snowy park. It was a nice trip down memory lane. We bought some Gu desserts and a dressed lobster which we took to the pub to eat. I introduced Mirry to Sailor Jerrys rum and we discovered an alcoholic ginger beer, it's not as good as Stones alcoholic ginger beer but I'm not in Kansas any more and the Wizard of Oz is unlikely to get in contact me ever again so the chances of my finding that are slim indeed.

We talked about mutual friends some we're in contact with some we're not. Some aren't even our friends anymore. Her 'new' relationship. It feels like not much has changed since we were 15 and in 'Caddis Flae' oh, except she has a boyfriend now and I'm not recruiting drummers with my feminine charms. We stayed in the pub 'til about 22:30 ish, we'd bought some weed and sat outside (across from the police station!) smoking which meant our conversation tailed off and went off on to tangents so making much less sense but laughing a great deal more. We promised we would meet up much more regularly and I'm pushing her to meet her new beau so I'm hoping that will happen soon.

I got home tired but happy, knowing I can still call a friend and just 'hang out' feeling like a teenager again. I suppose it helps that I was with a friend that I've known since I was a teenager and we were doing the same sort of stuff (substitute the lobster for a bag of chips and the pub for, well, Snowy park or a concealed bench in the Barbican centre) as we were doing back then.

*Also swap the 'music' we made in our band for the music we played on the jukebox

O-a-sis, on Sun-day. Short pause. At Wem-bley
Words screached by a city dweller into her mobile phone at the crossing this morning. Mark's right you know. There are goung to be a lot more arseholes at the Oasis gig than there were at the Blur gig. I can see there being a few groups of chavs on an annual outing and more people will be there for the atmosphere (a place to get hammered) as apposed to the music. As I've said I'm a much bigger Oasis fan than a Blur fan, making me the odd one out in the circle of people that I mix with and I suppose that means that I'm more at home with the arseholes of this world than the relatively normal people that I work and socialise with.
I'm not sure if that's true or if I've just had to get used to it, having been 'the best of a bad bunch' at school or college or uni. I don't know when I'll get over this feeling of being hard done by. I'm 28 and still banging on about a 'difficult start' well I should have made up for it by now really.


Sorry, this is a shit post, I'm just waffling and wallowing in a bit of self pity. Poor me!
But at least I get to see O-a-sis, on Sat-ur-day and Sun-day. At Wem-bley.

See ya there you arsehole

Growing up

Do you remember being a kid and wondering what it was like to be a grown up? I don't mean when you were a teenager and thought "I can't wait until I'm old enough to drink, smoke or have sex" I mean when you thought that life had a number of milestones where things happened automatically. Am I the only person that thought thet way? A few examples: at an unspecified age you got given a job and a driving license and a car, then you worked for a few years and got given somewhere to live, next you got married and had children. Simple.

I never gave any thought to how everyone got these things because it was obvious, they were given to you at a certain age. If you wanted to be a doctor you went to school, college then university (although in those days I didn't know the exact order) and when you were finished, you were given the job that you'd wanted in the first place. I admire the naïvety that children have, I wish I still had it and I, even more so, wish that it was the case.

Well, I've been to college and university and I haven't got the job I wanted. I've past the age where I'm supposed to get a driving licence and a car and no-ones given them to me. Don't even talk to me about where I live and I've had a few close calls with marriage, but I've not been caught out yet. Children? well I've never even had a scare. I'm a sensible girl.
Well, now I realise that you have to make these things happen yourself. So I'm going to work on them one at a time. After the fantasic time Mark and I had in Wales we've decided to move ourselves a little closer to the countryside. Swansea seems the logical place as it's a big city that's close and easily accessable to the sort of place we like. So I've been looking at places tolive, started with renting a room in a shared house and oh my god, look at the price of them! Not in a bad way either, it's cheap, I mean some of them are the same price for a month as we currently pay a week for the shit hole we live in. And looking at the places they're nice, they have space and gardens and real neighbours that aren't drug dealers or whores (I've looked up the area both on thenet and asking friends that know the area. I've looked on google streetview and as far as I can see there's no down side). Now I think, just for fun-to daydream for a bit, I'll look at the house prices to buy. Again, pleasently surprised, I'm a bit excited now so I look up mortgages that we may be able to get and not only does it look possible, it looks like we'd be fools not to go for it.

People live in London for the excitement and the city life. I don't find it exciting and I've never liked the city life. Apart from it being easy to find work there's no advantage to being here at all.
So there it is, theres a rudimentary plan taking shape and it looks do-able. Maybe what I thought when I was a child wasn't so far fetched, I've just been waiting for it in the wrong place.

Memories

I love the smell of rain. In the city it's mixed with diesel, especially when you're waiting for a bus on city road.


When I was a kid we had a caravan that was shared between my entire family, not like normal people would with a time share arrangement, it was more like 'it's the school holiday's lets all pile in!' I'm not joking we were known to get 14 people into 9 berth caravan along with 3 dogs. Among the grandchildren the boys out number the girls meaning the girls were always guarenteed as much privicy as you can get in this kind of overcrowding, we had our own room, when I was very young I shared with Ann she is 6 years my senior which is a huge difference when you're 9 & 15 and when I became the hooligan staying out till all hours I shared with Ann's sister Laura who is 7 years my junior. Having so many peple in a small space meant we had to spend most of our time out doors, this was in the South coast of England in the 80's & early 90's it wasn't always pleasent. But we (the kids) loved it, with so many of us there was always someone to play/fight/plot with.



The drive there was always full of anticipation and I rarely fell asleep unlike my brother who managed it on most trips. As we were the smallest family (Dad, myself and my brother-Mum never came) we had the duty of taking my grandparents, which meant there would always have to be a certain amount of Irish music played on the way. Usually mostly Irish music, my Mum called it diddly-diddly music, if she'd only come with us we wouldn't have had both grandparents in the car and probably would have got a bit more capital FM than we ever did.

My favourite city

Ghosts of houses through trees that rush by.
Rolling hill tops unffold.
Industrial estate.
Golf course.
Speeding past.
Going home.
Watching homes through treeline, shutting out the noise.
Pale winter sun shining weakly through heavy clouds.
Rolling flats and telegraph poles as far as the eye can see.
Fantastic Fenland!
Back gardens and snippets of life and I wonder, dare I?
No, Another time.
Mostly swings, slides and discarded bicycles.
Some maniquired lawns and border preperation.
Few patches for cultivation then decking and pergolas.

Blurred and smudged, I'm too excited to watch it any more. I'm on my way!
Anticipation, remembering dreams and great times.
Wonder and fact merged and explained.
Life. Love. Learn.
Snippets, local knowledge and short cuts.
Grotty pubs, bars and tea rooms with walls lined in dusty old books read by thousends waiting for friends.
There's no where like it.
And you're there. I'm coming back to thank you.