I don't think I'll ever be able to just relax and not feel the pressure of the day-to-day things niggling at me when I'm in my own space. I don't like being alone, well that's not strictly true, I'm alone now and I'm perfectly happy. But I don't feel like I have to hide anything here or rush to do something because time here is limited-like on holiday, I can just be, becuase I know here.
It would seem I don't really know what has been bothering me recently I'm just feeling down and projecting this onto somethig else. I know I don't help myself here by dwelling on past infidelities, they seem to torment me. I've said it before that my own mind works against me. It pushes things to the fore front and I don't know how to control it, I've met people that simply don't think on the things that upset them and in a way I envy them but in another I wonder if they ever deal with these things. On the other hand one could say that my approach means that I don't deal with them but continue to let them upset me forever.
Hmmph. I don't know.
That same person once said to me "if you don't like your life, change it". It's very good advice, but it means you need to know exactly what it is that's wrong and then, of course, how to change them. I really don'tknow. I need to think this through properly.
And that's not easy.
Maybe I can just stay asleep for a while and when I wake up it'll be over. One way or the other. Who knows? Who cares? I'm not even sure if I do anymore, things get weighed up so logically that there isn't any room for the non quanitive stuff like emotion and human feeling. Because they don't really count, you can trick yourself into feeling anything for a time and if you do for long enough it becomes the normal thing to think or feel. Is that the part of control that I need? To decide how to feel and then stick with it. Well if it's as easy as that I think I would like to be happy. My default face should be smiling, my natural feeling should be excitement with the world and what it has in store, ambitions aren't hard work they are an adventure to be lived through where the journey is a fun part getting there is a realisation and taking things forward is a natural progression.
When something breaks through my happy barrier I shall a) ping my wrist with an elastic band because I should be trying to upset myself in the first place and b) I'll say a mantra of some kind to make it go away, like Anna Winter's go away ghosts song. Obviously I don't know what it will be yet but I'll come up with one when I'm in the correct frame of mind.
So there we are, the bottom line for the time being is
"To sleep, per chance to dream"
And all the dreams will be pleasent and all the sleep will be sound.
Saturday, 31 January 2009
Friday, 30 January 2009
Rats in paradise
It's all coming to a head, I don't really want to use this blog as a release and something to whinge on but I think I'm cracking up and I need to let loose somewhere. And yes, it is boy trouble. I'm not a teenager anymore you would have thought I'd found something else to occupy my time with by now, but I haven't. I guess I'll never grow up.
I can't forget your lies, I can't look at you with out a little bit of hate leaking out. I'm sure that you see it. I'm sure my eyes give me away. You spotted that once when I was saving face and smiling for the benifit of those unlucky enough to be near us at the time. You saw the dead look. The non feeling directed only at you.
I can't forget your lies, I can't look at you with out a little bit of hate leaking out. I'm sure that you see it. I'm sure my eyes give me away. You spotted that once when I was saving face and smiling for the benifit of those unlucky enough to be near us at the time. You saw the dead look. The non feeling directed only at you.
Sunday, 25 January 2009
My favourite city
Ghosts of houses through trees that rush by.
Rolling hill tops unffold.
Industrial estate.
Golf course.
Speeding past.
Going home.
Watching homes through treeline, shutting out the noise.
Pale winter sun shining weakly through heavy clouds.
Rolling flats and telegraph poles as far as the eye can see.
Fantastic Fenland!
Back gardens and snippets of life and I wonder, dare I?
No, Another time.
Mostly swings, slides and discarded bicycles.
Some maniquired lawns and border preperation.
Few patches for cultivation then decking and pergolas.
Blurred and smudged, I'm too excited to watch it any more. I'm on my way!
Anticipation, remembering dreams and great times.
Wonder and fact merged and explained.
Life. Love. Learn.
Snippets, local knowledge and short cuts.
Grotty pubs, bars and tea rooms with walls lined in dusty old books read by thousends waiting for friends.
There's no where like it.
And you're there. I'm coming back to thank you.
Rolling hill tops unffold.
Industrial estate.
Golf course.
Speeding past.
Going home.
Watching homes through treeline, shutting out the noise.
Pale winter sun shining weakly through heavy clouds.
Rolling flats and telegraph poles as far as the eye can see.
Fantastic Fenland!
Back gardens and snippets of life and I wonder, dare I?
No, Another time.
Mostly swings, slides and discarded bicycles.
Some maniquired lawns and border preperation.
Few patches for cultivation then decking and pergolas.
Blurred and smudged, I'm too excited to watch it any more. I'm on my way!
Anticipation, remembering dreams and great times.
Wonder and fact merged and explained.
Life. Love. Learn.
Snippets, local knowledge and short cuts.
Grotty pubs, bars and tea rooms with walls lined in dusty old books read by thousends waiting for friends.
There's no where like it.
And you're there. I'm coming back to thank you.
New hobbies
I want to keep busy.
So I'm going to make one of these, similar colours and wool too.
Must learn to knit, well I can knit but I don't know how to cast on or off, which is a pretty important part of it. Starting and stopping. 2009 is the year to learn stuff-practical stuff I can use, not academic stuff I'll just forget. I really fancy German language, textiles and cooking. So I'll keep a track of how I'm doing on here. When I'm finished my new scarf I'll show you. It'll probably be finished some time in July knowing the speed I work at!
Friday, 23 January 2009
Rainy days in London
Why is it that along with rain comes wind? Is it just me or does this make the umbrella the most impractical invention on the planet? I saw scores of people crossing tower bridge this morning fighting with the damn things, not keeping dry at all and running a high risk of being swept off into the Thames. And for those that don't have a metal pole with sharp spider legs connected with plastic bat wings there is the constant danger of having an eye gouged out by one of the hapless umbrella users!
I don't understand why people don't use water proof coats and hoods, is it because they are geeky in an untrendy way? Is it really that important to look good when all the people around you can't see where they're going because they are blinded by the wind, rain or some idiot with an umbrella? A decent storm in the city is enough to see the effects of the meteor storm in the Day of the Triffids!
I left the house before I saw it was raining, so I tucked my hair in y coat and pulled my hat down over my ears. I got to work a little soggy-I don't think it will kill me AND I had a better chance of dodging the brollys and thus arrived unskewered which I think is a little more important.
I don't understand why people don't use water proof coats and hoods, is it because they are geeky in an untrendy way? Is it really that important to look good when all the people around you can't see where they're going because they are blinded by the wind, rain or some idiot with an umbrella? A decent storm in the city is enough to see the effects of the meteor storm in the Day of the Triffids!
I left the house before I saw it was raining, so I tucked my hair in y coat and pulled my hat down over my ears. I got to work a little soggy-I don't think it will kill me AND I had a better chance of dodging the brollys and thus arrived unskewered which I think is a little more important.
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
day dream believer
dreams I had last night were:
A job in a normal pub where I was phychic and there was room that was very upsetting to be in, although I was aware that I'm not normally phychic and there must be strong forces at play for me to feel anything.
Attending some kind of out-door event where I was trying to avoid Mark. My brother and cousin were there and I wondered if I might get a joint off of one of them, but when I saw Steven Sepultura were about to start a set so I didn't go for a smoke. I went to watch Sep, they were playing at ground level with only about 15-20 people watching that stood right around the band rather than in a crowd at the front of them. I knew that the circle was split into arseholes on the other side and decent moshers on my side, there was also a small campfire a little to my left that was keeping my legs warm. It seemed to be a cool day. They started playing a song that wasn't really but in my dream was "jumpdafuckup" and as it escallated the dancing of the people around me and myself became lively and more coriographed untill we were all jerking around uniformly building up to the mosh explosion. I was really excited and could hardly wait for the corus to kick in it kept building and building, then I woke up.
I also remember meeting Prince Harry making conversation with him and thinking, well it's a good job I'm not stoned!
A job in a normal pub where I was phychic and there was room that was very upsetting to be in, although I was aware that I'm not normally phychic and there must be strong forces at play for me to feel anything.
Attending some kind of out-door event where I was trying to avoid Mark. My brother and cousin were there and I wondered if I might get a joint off of one of them, but when I saw Steven Sepultura were about to start a set so I didn't go for a smoke. I went to watch Sep, they were playing at ground level with only about 15-20 people watching that stood right around the band rather than in a crowd at the front of them. I knew that the circle was split into arseholes on the other side and decent moshers on my side, there was also a small campfire a little to my left that was keeping my legs warm. It seemed to be a cool day. They started playing a song that wasn't really but in my dream was "jumpdafuckup" and as it escallated the dancing of the people around me and myself became lively and more coriographed untill we were all jerking around uniformly building up to the mosh explosion. I was really excited and could hardly wait for the corus to kick in it kept building and building, then I woke up.
I also remember meeting Prince Harry making conversation with him and thinking, well it's a good job I'm not stoned!
Monday, 19 January 2009
I have a friend whose name means wonder
O, wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,
That has such people in't!
And we met up last night and talked for hours as we usually do, over coffee and cake. Old times on Old St, present times in Hackney, Whitechapel or City. New times all over, where ever we want to be. Friends, timing, hopes and dreams, memories, galleries, books and films. Hackneyed non-statements from self centred South Africans. Meeting Mark after watching him read "Colony" for nearly an hour on the ground floor-not constantly, just a glance every now and then-yup he's still there. They seemed to get on but this happens to be one of my friends that instills a sense of wonder in me and gets along fine with all kinds of company, whereas Mark looks awkward and tends to need babysitting with most groups, at least for the first few meets. But he looks fine, relaxed even. As the evening draws to a close we make plans that won't happen, we're both so busy making our dreams come true. She will have the recognition she deserves, she will make a record that has some sort of success. She will have people that she doesn't even know that know her name and a few random facts about her. I will be proud to call her my friend, but no more so than I already am.
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,
That has such people in't!
And we met up last night and talked for hours as we usually do, over coffee and cake. Old times on Old St, present times in Hackney, Whitechapel or City. New times all over, where ever we want to be. Friends, timing, hopes and dreams, memories, galleries, books and films. Hackneyed non-statements from self centred South Africans. Meeting Mark after watching him read "Colony" for nearly an hour on the ground floor-not constantly, just a glance every now and then-yup he's still there. They seemed to get on but this happens to be one of my friends that instills a sense of wonder in me and gets along fine with all kinds of company, whereas Mark looks awkward and tends to need babysitting with most groups, at least for the first few meets. But he looks fine, relaxed even. As the evening draws to a close we make plans that won't happen, we're both so busy making our dreams come true. She will have the recognition she deserves, she will make a record that has some sort of success. She will have people that she doesn't even know that know her name and a few random facts about her. I will be proud to call her my friend, but no more so than I already am.
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Banana curry and coconut & honey cookies
After a row the only thing to do is cook together.
Because you get all the best bits of the cookies!
veil of sleep
I got a secret smile this morning because I wandered into your embrace. Through sleepy eyes and a gurgle I saw a half smile that showed me contentment.
I think I'll stay here, your unaware half smile has made me happier than I can remember.
But now I can't sleep!
I was having a lovely morning until you woke up.
I think I'll stay here, your unaware half smile has made me happier than I can remember.
But now I can't sleep!
I was having a lovely morning until you woke up.
Thursday, 15 January 2009
She paints her nails and she don't know
that he's going to cut his hair.
I'm giving up all my vices at once. Giving up smoking alone was pretty easy for the most part, so much so that I became too flippant with the whole thing and ironically didin't actually give up at all but became one of those irritating social smokers that only ever pinches other peoples fags in the pub and never buys them for them self-or when I did I found myself slipping back into smoking during the day or when I'm not drinking.
Well a friend of mine set a challenge, not to drink for the duration of January. I accepted and failed. I work in a bar and on completing a day shift had a half a specialist beer and a game of chess with my boss-this seemed reasonable enough and surely no-one would begrudge me a free specialist beer while competing in a very civilised game, well one game turned into two, then into three, one beer turned into I don't know how many. They were all specialist and I decided I really liked a honey beer that had just come on tap and unbeknown to me is a dangerous 8%. So I rolled in after midnight falling around and singing having given what I'm sure was brilliant advice to a colleage (also not working) on his relationship worries and made arrangements to form a band that I have no intension of following through-not because I wouldn't like to, I'd love it, but I have no musical talent. I play bass guitar, really badly, can't sing and have no sense of rythm-which really doesn't help the playing of the bass at all. Anyway I digress-as giving up smoking seemed too east to take seriously and therefore I failed, I've decided to give up EVERYTHING. Cigerettes, weed, meat-the unethical kind anyway, and drinking. I'm going to see how long I can go with out drinking anyway I don't think that will ever be a forever thing. But the rest of it means a change of lifestyle. And I'm really going to do it. I may kill someone before easter, but I am allowed to do that. You see while I was on my break the other day I was hungry, but couldn't actually have anything I fancied, all the veggie sandwiches and salads have become boring and old and I am sick of cheesey chips with chilli sauce. An automatic thought comes to mind-just have a cigerette instead, but um, I can't smoke either, the logical next step is have something else to look forward to instead of treating myself there and then to unethical sausage in batter-which I wouldn't have eaten before anyway thanks to working in a sausage factory, it's funny what self deprovation will drive you to. Perhaps a Friday/Saturday night in the pub with friends or a joint and a listen to a pink floyd album. But I have non of these options available to me anymore. At least it's the challenge I was looking for, I suppose I'll have more time and more money, maybe I can invest in a bass and some lessons and actually start that band. Who was it that said "do sober the things you said you'd do drunk, that'll teach you to keep your mouth shut"
I don't think it will teach me that, but it might just save my sanity.
I'm giving up all my vices at once. Giving up smoking alone was pretty easy for the most part, so much so that I became too flippant with the whole thing and ironically didin't actually give up at all but became one of those irritating social smokers that only ever pinches other peoples fags in the pub and never buys them for them self-or when I did I found myself slipping back into smoking during the day or when I'm not drinking.
Well a friend of mine set a challenge, not to drink for the duration of January. I accepted and failed. I work in a bar and on completing a day shift had a half a specialist beer and a game of chess with my boss-this seemed reasonable enough and surely no-one would begrudge me a free specialist beer while competing in a very civilised game, well one game turned into two, then into three, one beer turned into I don't know how many. They were all specialist and I decided I really liked a honey beer that had just come on tap and unbeknown to me is a dangerous 8%. So I rolled in after midnight falling around and singing having given what I'm sure was brilliant advice to a colleage (also not working) on his relationship worries and made arrangements to form a band that I have no intension of following through-not because I wouldn't like to, I'd love it, but I have no musical talent. I play bass guitar, really badly, can't sing and have no sense of rythm-which really doesn't help the playing of the bass at all. Anyway I digress-as giving up smoking seemed too east to take seriously and therefore I failed, I've decided to give up EVERYTHING. Cigerettes, weed, meat-the unethical kind anyway, and drinking. I'm going to see how long I can go with out drinking anyway I don't think that will ever be a forever thing. But the rest of it means a change of lifestyle. And I'm really going to do it. I may kill someone before easter, but I am allowed to do that. You see while I was on my break the other day I was hungry, but couldn't actually have anything I fancied, all the veggie sandwiches and salads have become boring and old and I am sick of cheesey chips with chilli sauce. An automatic thought comes to mind-just have a cigerette instead, but um, I can't smoke either, the logical next step is have something else to look forward to instead of treating myself there and then to unethical sausage in batter-which I wouldn't have eaten before anyway thanks to working in a sausage factory, it's funny what self deprovation will drive you to. Perhaps a Friday/Saturday night in the pub with friends or a joint and a listen to a pink floyd album. But I have non of these options available to me anymore. At least it's the challenge I was looking for, I suppose I'll have more time and more money, maybe I can invest in a bass and some lessons and actually start that band. Who was it that said "do sober the things you said you'd do drunk, that'll teach you to keep your mouth shut"
I don't think it will teach me that, but it might just save my sanity.
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
Got your number from the bathroom wall
This year I am going back to Jade, I'm not playing silly games any more. Doing what I want when I want to do it. I'm not waiting for anyone I'm going to make myself happy because I can. I know what I need to do so lets have a list (I love a list!)
1. Get a real job, (not very rock and roll but I need to start earning some serious money so I can get to the long term goals I have)
2. Learn something new-German, I am determined to really do it. I'll set aside two hours a week to listen to the cd
3. Stop being/making myself available 'just in case' someone else wants to spend time with me. If I'm busy, it's tough.
4. Say whats on my mind. Tackle situations as they arise, don't wait and let things build, deal with them, diplomatically, as they happen.
Oh and I'm going to meet up with friends a lot more than I have been, I'm not sitting around waiting, I'm goingout and having fun!
1. Get a real job, (not very rock and roll but I need to start earning some serious money so I can get to the long term goals I have)
2. Learn something new-German, I am determined to really do it. I'll set aside two hours a week to listen to the cd
3. Stop being/making myself available 'just in case' someone else wants to spend time with me. If I'm busy, it's tough.
4. Say whats on my mind. Tackle situations as they arise, don't wait and let things build, deal with them, diplomatically, as they happen.
Oh and I'm going to meet up with friends a lot more than I have been, I'm not sitting around waiting, I'm goingout and having fun!
Monday, 5 January 2009
Christmas without you
So much has changed in 2008.
I've moved twice, got a (sort of) secure job and started to plan for the future-the real future not just "I want to go on holiday this year, wonder where I should go". It's all a bit scary even for me.
Well enough of non-specific hopes and dreams, how about I tell you about Christmas and new years eve?
Christmas started for me on the 24th because I spent the evening with my brother and I don't get to spend enough time with him. We went to his girlfriends house and had dinner there, nothing too special just chatting playing catch up and getting on nicely and later on watching rubbish telly and dozing on the sofa. I haven't seen him look so happy in years. I think that was the best present I could have got this or any other year. I stayed over at his flat to wake up there on Christmas day and did the visiting everyone within a five mile radius that we are related to wishing them all a merry Christmas and swapping cards and gifts. Then we seperated, he went to Nanny's for dinner and I went to my Mums where I spent the next day and a half on the sofa eating chocolate, fudge and expensive cheese with biscuits.
We started worrying aout bedsores and so decided that shopping would be the cure we needed on Saturday. We found a few shops that weren't crazy with Christmas sales shoppers trying to kill each other over a 75% discount on a sandwich toaster and I bought all the socks that I hadn't got for presents at Christmas as I had expected. Then my favourite purchase-new boots. I have to admit that I have a thing for shoes and boots. Mark says I have spent a horrific amout of money on them this year, but I think I've been quite good. They are soft leather and sooo comfy that I'm sure I'll wear them loads and so well worth the £95 price tag. Mum liked them so much she got herself a pair too-slightly different, higher heel, a bit more dressy. Then back to Mums to make sense of all the treasures we had found.
Call from Raven, "come out for drinks" "can't have too much to do" "just a quick one, I'm on your road now" "ok, meet you in half hour". Rolled home 6 hours or so later singing silly songs. Having spent the evening running for buses, playing pool, befriending small dogs and dancing with Will in an unknown pub/bar. I still don't know how we found Raven again but I was glad he was there to put me on the bus home!
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
But it did mean that I didn't set an alarm therefor didn't get up on time to go and do the second family thing in Chelmsford. Bugger, no-one seemed to mind, but I've done that twice now so I'll watch myself in the future. I'm tired of typing now so I'm going to pick up on this another time and get onto the few days between and then the fantastic New Years Eve. Again, it wasn't anything too special or loutish, but I was with some friends that I really care for and don't see enough of and so was really special for me.
I've moved twice, got a (sort of) secure job and started to plan for the future-the real future not just "I want to go on holiday this year, wonder where I should go". It's all a bit scary even for me.
Well enough of non-specific hopes and dreams, how about I tell you about Christmas and new years eve?
Christmas started for me on the 24th because I spent the evening with my brother and I don't get to spend enough time with him. We went to his girlfriends house and had dinner there, nothing too special just chatting playing catch up and getting on nicely and later on watching rubbish telly and dozing on the sofa. I haven't seen him look so happy in years. I think that was the best present I could have got this or any other year. I stayed over at his flat to wake up there on Christmas day and did the visiting everyone within a five mile radius that we are related to wishing them all a merry Christmas and swapping cards and gifts. Then we seperated, he went to Nanny's for dinner and I went to my Mums where I spent the next day and a half on the sofa eating chocolate, fudge and expensive cheese with biscuits.
We started worrying aout bedsores and so decided that shopping would be the cure we needed on Saturday. We found a few shops that weren't crazy with Christmas sales shoppers trying to kill each other over a 75% discount on a sandwich toaster and I bought all the socks that I hadn't got for presents at Christmas as I had expected. Then my favourite purchase-new boots. I have to admit that I have a thing for shoes and boots. Mark says I have spent a horrific amout of money on them this year, but I think I've been quite good. They are soft leather and sooo comfy that I'm sure I'll wear them loads and so well worth the £95 price tag. Mum liked them so much she got herself a pair too-slightly different, higher heel, a bit more dressy. Then back to Mums to make sense of all the treasures we had found.
Call from Raven, "come out for drinks" "can't have too much to do" "just a quick one, I'm on your road now" "ok, meet you in half hour". Rolled home 6 hours or so later singing silly songs. Having spent the evening running for buses, playing pool, befriending small dogs and dancing with Will in an unknown pub/bar. I still don't know how we found Raven again but I was glad he was there to put me on the bus home!
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
But it did mean that I didn't set an alarm therefor didn't get up on time to go and do the second family thing in Chelmsford. Bugger, no-one seemed to mind, but I've done that twice now so I'll watch myself in the future. I'm tired of typing now so I'm going to pick up on this another time and get onto the few days between and then the fantastic New Years Eve. Again, it wasn't anything too special or loutish, but I was with some friends that I really care for and don't see enough of and so was really special for me.
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